PrettyThin

Been gone for so long

should I even try to belong?

listened to every mellow song

even took a hit from a bong

I need to relax, need to chill

I need to stop living for the thrill

the hits and the burns

the cuts and the bruises

the lies and the excuses

Curse it all away

let it die in shame

me in vain

in vanity

but I no longer want them to see

I just want to fade

It isn't enough

to puff

so I think I'll disappear in the only other way

I know

eating less and losing pounds

Word got around but I turned my nose up

I am going to try and force a smile-

make it look like I don't give a fuck

three more months and school is done

college will have just begun

but at least I'll start new, fresh

I know though, I know

I will keep on losing until I can't anymore

because nothing matches the ecstasy of fitting into the old jeans

size 2

and nothing compares to the orgasmic feeling of hunger, starvation

when you stomach growls and you can't even feel it

you separate, divide

and your head hurts and aches

but that is when you know, you know

you are there.

Im 100 pounds A perfect 100

My parents hate me but i'm 100 pounds

I told them to let me be

i think they want to send me away somewhere for treatment

fuck that shit, i love this!

I'm proud. Everyone needs to leave me alone

I currently live with my father away from my siblings. Its really nice here, but it does get lonely.

My little sister decided to come spend the weekend. I was excited because she promised to hang out with me in the city and come with me so I can get my nose pierced. So I went out in the COLDD weather to pick her up from Penn Station and taught her how to use the subway. Once we got home, she looked at me and said "By the way, my boyfriend called this morning and I'm going to hang out with him tonight and tomorrow instead."

I very rarely see my sister.

Another thing is... I feel so ugly and gross when she's around. I may be thinner, but she has the looks. Like, on the subway a guy stood up to let her sit down and I had NEVER gotten that treatment EVER. Even when I used to look more girly.

blah its gonna be a horrible weekend.

So, after my little mini-breakdown, I actually got a decent night's sleep last night, so I feel a little more optimistic. I did my cardio this morning, getting ready to take a shower, and drank a bunch (two bottles) of water. I also saw went down a couple pounds from yesterday, so that helped too.

I feel better today, a bit happier, or at least a little content.

I'm a quiverring wreck.

My mum's birthday dinner. expensive restaurant.

Starter - salad, dressing on the side. Main - tuna with vegetable - feeling wonderful, happy, normal, enjoying the food, not caring about the olive oil dressing, having 2 slices of bread.

Dessert menu comes. nothing appealing on it. order sorbet. mum glares at me 'is that all?'

ask the waiter if I could switch to the pineapple tart.

It comes.

sixe of my outstretched palm.

topped with coconut icecream.

pineapple slices steeped in maple syrup or something.

saturated in a vanilla sauce, surronded by chocolate syrup.

I just wanted to cry.

I ate it all.

Every last mouthful.

But they all noticed how much I was freaking out - so i might have well have not touched it.

FUCK. I CANT DO THIS.

It was so horrible.

And worse because my sister ordered chocolate cake - and this TINY little mouthful came out, surrounded by fruit.

I just wanted to screeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaam.

I did, into my pillow, when I got home.

I'm scared of myself tonight.

I want to reach down my throat and claw out my stomach.

I want my best friend back from canada to give me a hug and pretend she understands.

I want to go back to the moment of ordering dessert and get the same as my sister - then the night would have been lovely.

Does anyone understand this?

I feel like I'm not even a human being anymore.

My parents are the two dumbest shit heads on the fucking planet. They treat my eating disorder like I was addicted to cocaine or some shit. Just because you were alcoholics doesn't mean you fucking understand anything that I am going through!!!!

So here's the sitch: I want to go horseback riding, which is something that I love and one of the few things that brings me happiness nowadays. I have it tomorrow, and I missed last week because my parents said that I was too "sick" with my eating disorder. Total bullshit. And now they are saying that they are not gonna let me go tomorrow, even though it would be the only reason that I would eat at all. So pretty much even if I eat and keep down as much as they ask me too, there's still a chance that I wouldn't be able to go. They practically have me under house arrest, I fucking hate it so much. It does not help me with my eating disorder, it only makes me seek more control.

But otherwise, this morning I went and talked to the idiots about going into treatment again. We already sent in an email to this one place that is covered by our insurance, and we have to wait to hear back before we can get a consultation, then we have to see how long we would have to wait before I can go in, and blah blah blah all that lengthy shit.

Otherwise, I'm so damn upset because I purged today then ate 300 calories...with 6 laxative pills of course. Gonna have to take alot if I'm going to be eating like the fat pig I am.

I just want to write this down...

First I have my ED, anerexic nightmare that never seems to end.... That song mental disease have all my thoughts down.

Then I have my depression, most of it is because of my bio chemistry, so I feel intense sorrow for no reason, no way to erase it, except take a bunch of meletonin, so i can actually sleep, and sleep through it.

Also have an Social anxiety disorder, feeling intense anxiety with unafamilar people, places.. ect

I have OCD tendencies,

These are all the things I have been diagnosed these last two years

Missing you

is driving

down a dusty road

with honeysuckle for hair

and

wild rose for starring eyes.

Stopping to kick cans

and scare crows.

The crows just do their highwire act

on telephone poles

and wonder why I'm yelling and maybe what's wrong with me and we wish she would leave and why is she crying?

i swear its so scary...please dont laugh. Yes I am having like an anxiety fit over food. my mum is making us these traditional pork buns as its a holiday today. specifically asking me what I wanted & making me a vegetarian one just for me. But even that is freaking me out because the carbload is crazy. they're probably like 100 cals each AT LEAST. & Im just thinking about all the lettuce and cucumbers and celery i could hav eaten for 100 calories...there is NO WAY i am ingesting 100 cals from a freaking carbloaded steamed bun.  but i think she will also be hurt if i didnt eat the pork buns because she made so many & hand making each & every single 1. I just dont know what to do...i have a feeling she's going to prompt me to eat just 1. but just thinking about the meat is like grossing me out, i just keep imagining like maggots crawling out of it or something. i am terrified over here. i mean i cud just take 1 bite & she wud be happy. But even 1 bite is scary. Its not abt the calories. I mean I can eat 100 cals from an apple perfectly fine. But idk why...when its not a fruit/veggie I just dnt want to eat it. rly dont want to eat it....sigh...i cud put it in my mouth and spit it out into napkins as well...i dnt think she wud notice but i just feel so awful if i did that because its all her effort and hard work and time into making the food....oh lord pls help me...i think ill go for an hour run to settle my nerves...figure it out when i get back and its dinner time...and even if i have to eat it i wont feel so bad.

Some of you girls talk about being 115 or less, and talk about how you can't wait to be thinner. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for you and I hope you see your results and you become light as a feather, but Jesus Christ, I would kill to be that little. You must be beautiful, lovely little ladies.

I aspire to be like the rest of you, so we can all float away together.

Today is the shittiest day of existance. It's pouring down raining. I haven't gotten out of my pajamas and I probably won't. I don't know what to make of my life right now. I joined a gym a couple of days ago. Since two weeks have gone by I've lost 9 pounds, which is a decent amount of weight to lose I suppose. I could have lost a lot more though, I think. I'm suffering with borderline personality disorder, dysthymia, and major depression. After 8 years of seeing my psychiatrist he finally decided to tell me my diagnoses. Why now? I don't know. Maybe he felt I could handle it. But it just raises more questions for me. I'm in this neverending cycle of self-sabatoge and I don't know how to get out of it. Or if I even want to get out of it. It's sad to think that I refuse to let myself be happy. If I'm happy in a relationship, I do something to fuck it up. Even a friendship. I do whatever it takes to make somebody hate me. Even dispicable things. Why am I so afraid to be happy and to let somebody love me? I wonder if my life will always be this way, or if it will ever change. These are the thoughts that plague my mind.

Im majorly restricting and redoing my cabinets right now. Everyone is eating pizza and drinking beer and i refuse to have some. I have that "no energy and angry at the world" feeling right now and i might throw a tantrum soon.

Twinge. Twinge. I cringe at the thought of it.

This pain of fear will always reside here.

Deep withing me I find no cure.

No way out I remain unsure.

Lost in the wooded dream,

Ou of desperation I scream.

Shout for help, in this labyrinth I fell.

What only time can tell?

If I can make it out alive,

If I can ever be revived.

But the pain shakes me,

Awakes me from this nightmare's dream.

The whisper of sin into my ear,

Ana is back again I fear.

The pain starts deep within.

Creeping gently into my stomach.

That shooting glitch of nerves,

All because I chose to starve again.

This unbearable pain, I can only cringe....

Twinge. Twinge. Twinge.

Invisible. I feel more suicidal than ever. I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wish they didn't leave me alone I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wish I wasn't alone

As white fades to gray, with time shades only darken

And soon charcoal and gunmetal are burned to black.

Laying in a sea of darkness,

A sense of calm consumes me

A sense of cool comes over me.

No regret to taunt me,

No feelings left to haunt me.

Death kindly guiding me to sure destruction,

Pain slowly numbing me from seduction.

Thank you Ana for showing me the light;

This bright white pure ray of fame,

This gleaming feeling of thin.

I've never been more tainted from within.

Don't take it away.

Please don't bring back the pain.

Black.

Black fading into this transparent dream,

My stomach is unraveling at the seams.

I've never been so gray.

I thought I had seen the way.

A way out, a way to sanity, a way to perfection in this reality.

This purity is insanity.

This cleanliness is anything but.

Can Ana save me again?

I thought I was free. But no. Even the tiniest little things that bug me or make me upset in any kind of possible way, make me want to starve! My boyfriend and I just broke up because he just told me that he's been liking another girl. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. It completely drains the worth out of me, and I feel like I wasn't good enough so he wanted someone else who acutally could be. I just can't even think straight at the moment. Just this week, everything was going soooooo well, I was eating, being happy, and determined to not let this disease run my life anymore, but I guess I'm not strong enough. I guess there just is no escape. There is no end. And now, I'm on my way to my comforting, wonderful goal weight of 84 pounds. So long, sanity. I'm gonna miss ya