PrettyThin

but my life overall is great: i have the best parents, i do good in school, i've been completely sober for almost a year, and when i'm not thinking about food, weight, or b/p, i am happy. however, there are days when all i want to do is take a knife and slit the most visible vein in my wrist right open and bleed out. today was one of those days. first, my best friend keeps talking to me like i'm stupid. and not to be rude (i'm honestly not trying to be rude, i love her most of the time with all my heart), but between the two of us, i am the smart one. and i hate when she treats and talks to me like i'm mentally handicapped, because i'm not, and not only does it piss me off when she talks to me like i am a fucking child, it hurts. a guy who i am (apparently 'was', now) good friends with called me a bitch, in front of my whole class. my teacher did nothing. when i told my friend zack, he heard me saying that when he said that, i was on the verge of tears, and started talking shit. about me. in front of my face. HELLO! that's not how you treat females. i never did anything to make you so poisonous towards me. so i sat outside and thought about it, thought about how i did nothing wrong, and i started crying. and my best friend that had JUST talked to me like i was a child says "don't worry about it, he's a nigger." and proceeded to make fun of him. like...........are you kidding? racism is not funny, it's not something to joke about, and it doesn't make you look cool or intelligent. and, let me just tell you, that same friend, told our friend kaitlin that i said her boyfriend was cheating on her because i saw him with a girl, and i log onto facebook, and kaitlin messaged me bitching her head off about how i'm a cunt etc. how does that make sense? i just told my friend that i saw k's boyfriend walking, and he was with some girl. didn't try and insinuate that he was cheating, didn't even care that he was with a girl. just wanted to tell her. the only good thing that happened today was that i ate less than 500cals, and drank a LOT of diet cola to keep me awake and energized, and........it worked! i'm so proud of myself and my body for keeping me awake and in a good mood today. although i did have the thought to b&p, i didn't, just drank more diet cola.

fuck this. i hope i sleep and never wake up, ever fucking again. if i have to go to school tomorrow i'll bring my razor and threaten to slit my throat if anyone tries to be mean to me. i fucking hate being bullied. one day someone will go too far, say too much, or hit a soft spot, and i'll kill myself. that day might want to hurry up.

but, i'm going to sleep now. goodnight, girls.

So. It’s been 4 days since I last binged, and so, consequently, 4 days since I last purged.

To be completely honest here, this is largely because I’ve been restricting to 800 or 900 calories a day, which I know isn’t enough, but is much better than the alternative. Seems a good balance for me, though, mentally if not physically.

Furthering the honesty thing here, this isn’t some balance I worked hard to find or forced myself to try. I’m an assistant language teacher, and so I eat school lunch with the students.

School lunch is usually around 700 or 800 calories. Yeah… too much at once, but that’s all I’ve been eating for the past 4 days (the extra 100 calories come from my morning coffee, so I’m not a total zombie from the lack of breakfast or dinner – wish I could do it black, but I can’t stand it).

But anyhow. I’m not sure if the fact I haven’t been B/Ping is because my current calorie intake is a good balance between not feeling like so much in one day that I have to throw it up, but not so little that it sets my body off on a feeding frenzy, or if it’s because of… haha, this is really stupid, but.

I’ve had this sticker system thing this week. Where if I don’t eat in the morning, I get a sticker and if I don’t eat at night, I get a sticker. If I get two stickers a day, I get to go clothes/makeup/accessory shopping. It’s like I’m 5 again, except I’m giving the stickers and rewards to myself. It seems bizarre that it’s working. It’s probably as much the fact that I don’t want to see a square with a missing sticker as it is the reward system, though. It would drive me mental if the pattern was thrown off (hate things being uneven).

I know I shouldn’t be rewarding myself for under-eating, but when the alternative is throwing up… I find this preferable.

Unfortunately I have 3 parties (one is tonight, and one of the ones on Sunday is a dessert party…), a dinner with friends on Saturday, and am staying over at the house of a friend who loves to eat this weekend. So I’m basically screwed for the next 2 and a half days. Come Monday, though, I shall resume this practice. Except from next week I will try to regulate my shopping a bit more, because damn can I shop.

The kid in my class, I've been thinking he has an ED also. Because I've never seen him eat, he only drink pepsi zero,
And today his hands were shaking all day. He looked miserable...like me.
He left class early announcing to the class that "time to go eat some lunch"

When in reality both chain smoked through lunch, and they had a cook out in the smoking area
(it was free food so, it can't be because he doesn't have money). I  noticed him looking over at the food several times
or Maybe I kept looking over at it. I was eyeing some chips. And it smelt so good. But i didn't have anything.
Except a half a protein bar before my 3pm class.

We also ended up talking about food cravings, after we talked about both our sisters who have moved out, but come home and eat all the food in the house.
I was thinking "Oh i don't mind because i don't eat anyway" lol but not something i would say aloud.
But he went on to tell me that he had a craving for pizza rolls, and bought a huge bag, and his sister came home and eat the whole bag.
The look on his face when he told me this, he was mad, like more mad than normal people get about food.
Like I just feel like he has to have an ED, obviously not going to ask him because it's very possible he has a fast metabolism.


Atleast we have something in common, it's nice to have a friend again.


Also I binged on half a french dip and chocolate cake for dinner, for my dad birthday.
I hate how i feel right now. I want to work out, I'm just too depressed.
I've gotten my period but it's extremely light. I finally got to weigh myself  this week, was a half pound from 89lb,
don't really care anymore. i don't have a goal anymore, I just want to die.
But I enjoy school.

At times, I'll go to the bathroom in our apartment, take my clothes off, turn the shower on, and sit on the side, and just cry.

I think about how bitter I've been to my room mates, how uncontrollable I get with my food, how I haven't seen my father since I was 6 years old and wonder if he went through the same episodes when he was young, and that this isn't just misfortune, and that this is indeed genetics. I think about all my ideas, the projects I want to pursue, and how I have the potential to really focus and DO have the ability to take it all into action.

And the only thing really in the way is just me... and every other single person in the world who gives me unnecessary, copious amounts of shit.

You're breaking my balls man, I'm gonna have to cut you off.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you really didn't have the spirit in the first place to actually want to help me, but to just make it clear I'm an idiot and I need to suck it up. There's no point in telling you this, as much as there's no point in trying to make a calf drink water from the stream when it doesn't want to. Fuck you and your balls, you gender role conscious prick.

The only things that make me happy right now are Pandora, Caffeine, and Cereal with peanut butter. Sleep would too, but not much sleep gets done when you have to sleep in the living room with an animal that isn't yours and everyone else stays up late and keeps going to the restroom or kitchen and constantly wake you up. Remind me again what privacy is please. I forgot.

Oh that's right. It's a cold shower.

Today is just one of those days where no matter what I wear, how much make up I put on, or how many times somebody compliments me, I feel fat and ugly. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being this way. I'm tired of high school...One week left. I'm just tired. I come home, eat, and then sleep. It's awful. Most of the time I never eat breakfast of dinner. Just a little something when I get home from school. 

I just want to feel beautiful. I want to be loved by somebody. I think I actually might be falling for my best friend... Which would suck because I'm leaving for college in August, and I don't want to be heart broken..

The only release i find is music and painting. But..I tried out for a solo yesderday and had a panic attack..Needless to say I didn't get it. I tried to paint in Art today..But the teacher wouldn't let me do oil on canvas..which is my absolute favorite medium. I need a job so I can buy my own set or something. I'm just rambling now, so I think I'm going to stop now.

I love you all, hope you're having a better week than I am.

Breakfast- Water

Lunch-Pop Tart

Dinner-Water

The feeling of hunger is lovely.  Maybe you don't agree, maybe you do.  Either way, everyone knows that feeling.  You are dizzy, you are weak, you are wasting away.  Yet you feel strong, empowered.  You've finally accomplished something, yeah? 

Well, I catch myself, at times, wishing I was normal, just like everybody else.  I wish, at times, that I could eat and not worry about every single bite I put into my mouth.  I wish I could eat an apple the way other people do, just taking a bite right out of it.  As opposed to cutting it into slices, then into slivers, then into chunks, yeah?  I wonder what it'd be like to not dissect a fat-free mini muffin before eating it.  I wish I could just eat healthily, exercise, and be happy with myself. 

Then, I look at whatever food item I have in my head and remember what Cassie says, "You musn't eat it," and set it back down (just so, "arranging it") and walk away.  Knowing I'll never be happy with myself if I eat.

Anyone else feel like this at times?  Or is the fat girl inside of me just trying to talk me into binging, eh?  Stay lovely, PT!

I was not feeling very well this morning and new that I needed to eat something so i tried water melon and that didn't help so i tried a slice of toast and I was going to leave it at that. about 20 min later my dad wants to go get subway and i got a 6in veggie delight and then got a starbucks coffee frappuccino.. my body is regecting this and I'll just say its not coming back out of my mouth.. sorry that was too much information.. but does this happen to any one else? I feel like it has been happening to me a lot even if i just eat a ton of fruit or veggies my body acts as a natural laxative within about 30 mins and it will be sometimes 2-3 times after I have recently eaten. it typically doesn't happen if I stay under 200 calories and thats only fruit or veggies but anything else, my body does not agree with. I wonder if my body is absorbing all the calories if its coming out so fast.. hmmmm

when you have only been eating less than 200 calories worth of fruit every 24 hours for 4 days. Its like your going to fall over and your shaking so much all you can do is get in the shower and stand there and hope for it to calm down. when your heart is racing and you can't find the strength to stand up right or to even get dressed. My head is just a dull pulsing ache and my muscles feel like they have been hit by a train. How can I help this go away or make it so its not so extreme and noticable? I am about to go see my dad and haven't seen him in a month. I don't want him to see me like this.

is it

A. feet together,standing up, looking straight in a mirror and seeing a gap

B.feet together, bent over (not too far over) looking at your thighs and seeing a gap

C.feet roughly 10cm/5inches apart and standing up  orrrrrrrrrr

D.just a normal stance with you legs apart

because im experiencing B,C and D argh i want A lol

thanks

I have to give a big AMEN to most of what MKV said in a post on here today.  One thing I'd like to point out to those of you younger than me..which is most of you, I'm 64 (pffft don't judge).  Anyhow...when I was in my teens and 20's I never wanted to wear a swimsuit because I was "fat"..yeah fat, I weighed a whole 108 pounds...what an idiot.  I had a nice tight little body, smooth skin...yada yada, but Noooooo I didn't show it off then.  Now I'm pretty thin...about 103 I think...but my skin is sagging and wrinkled from old age.  No matter what cool clothes I wear or how I fix my hair and makeup...I still just look "old".  So, even if you think you look fat as a huge porker...go by what the scale says, and if you are a normal weight for your height...put on the freaking skimpiest 'kini you can find and wear it loud and proud!  In fact, if you're young and even kind of curvy...still do it..you won't look young forever.  For gawd's sake also stop cutting up your beautiful body if you're a cutter..there are plenty of other ways to punish yourself without scarring yourself for life.  For those of you in high school..consider that punishment enough...geez, worst time of your life EVER!  One of my goals in weight loss is to attend my 50th high school class reunion in 2015 and see how many of those bitches have the body I have...that alone keeps me on my diet:p In fact my male classmates on FB have already made comments about how good I look...

Stay strong everyone

I noticed the awkward guy in my classes, that brought up eating disorders to me yesterday, was drinking a zero calorie pepsi.
Maybe this is just the sick me, over analyzing. But maybe he has one? I've never seen him eat, we both chain smoke through lunch.
The vending machines have all kind of soda
(like 2 diet kinds only) and out of everything he gets a pepsi zero?

Hmm. He's skinny, kind of scrawny for his height. Barley any muscle, from what i can see. But I know alot of guys have naturally fast metabolisms.
Interesting though.

Hokay so here it is. 

My friends cousin has been living with them for a while now, and he is starting to get sick of her shit. 

She lies, steals and is just all around pretty bitchy. Everyone that lives there pretty much wants her to move out. 

And i don't really like her all that much either. Recently shes been trying to buy ecstacy which is not allowed under that household. 

I sell ecstacy, which everyone knows and is comfortable with. 

She asked me today for some, and told me not to tell anyone.

So am i all good? If i just sell her the ex and keep quiet about it, thats not wrong even though shes doing the wrong thing? If they find out she bought it i don't think they would be mad at me for not saying anything.. but still. I feel uneasy about the situation.

I would just not sell it to her but i kind of need the money for this weekend........

SIGH HELP

I've been binging a lot lately. Usually i binge once in 2 months, but now its a lot more. i wish i never went through "recovory". can someone give me some help! plz! im getting really despret here X(

I can't get through it. God i want to cry.
I hate food, I hate that we kill animals, i hate how we kill animals.
I can't hear then scream I'm gonna cry.

Just tried Dannon Light & Fit Sugar Carb Control Yogurt.
saw it had only 45cals in the store today, thought i'd try it.
Taste like chemicals. But I kind of like it?
I think it only comes in vanilla, atleast that's all i saw.

Just thought I'd share.

Havn't reached 500cals yet today. Which is fine, because tomorrow my dad's birthday.
And obivously there's going to bed cake. I think I might trade one of those yogurts for my usual cream of wheat (100cals)
for breakfast before class. and maybe take some raspberries. Uhg tomorrow is going to be long.

Hi people.

I don't know what to do.

I've been suffering from bulimia on and off since I was 16. I am 20 now.

I go through phases. Sometimes I spend several months - once even almost for a year - where Mia doesn't bother me. Then a period of stress comes - either social/relationship stress, exam and university stuff, tiredness, PMS that hits extra hard - and she rears her ugly head again.

Where do i go? What do I DO? I don't know how to stop doing this. I want to be slim, not skinny, just a normal weight. I am 5'4 and weight 71kg. I used to be around 58-60kg and I'd like to reach that again. I'm tired of my weight fluctuating. I'm tired of feeling out of control. I'm just sick and tired, period.

I'm kind of lonely too. I don't have anyone to speak to about this..mostly cos I'm really ashamed of it. People don't GET it. They don't get how HARD it is.

I'm on meds too. Antipsychotics.

I used to be a cutter. I was hospitalised once, when I was 19, because I attempted suicide.

That seemed so long ago. And in these past two weeks, Mia, my old ghost,  has come back. And I don't know what she wants.

(A voice tells me she wants blood, she wants life.)

But I refuse to give up mine.

Send me a message if anyone wants to talk... I like meeting new people. I promise I'm not as weird as I sound :)!!!

I send lots of love to all you xXx