PrettyThin

I started seeing her last semester. She was young, but not too young. Maybe early forties, so about twice my age. Tall, thin, blonde, big doe-eyes, and a smile that breaks your heart.

It took me a while to warm up to her, as it would for anyone, but from that moment on, she became one of the most important people in my life. I was more honest, more myself, and more focused with her than I was anywhere else. She was the only person with whom I could speak my mind without second-guessing myself, or worrying about it coming out wrong.

And when she looked at me, it was like she could truly feel, truly understand where I was coming from.

And then, literally out of nowhere, she ended our therapy. Abruptly. Over Skype.

She told me it was because she was afraid she didn't have the skills to help me. She'd consulted my case with a committee of her peers, and they all agreed. I told her I thought she was speaking bullshit. But she couldn't give me a better reason. Most of the time she was speechless while I shouted at her.

I saw her four more times after that news, and during all four sessions not only were the tears streaming down my face--they were streaming down hers too. At one point she nearly lost it, and she said to me "We really cared for each other, didn't we?"

During our last session, she hesitated before saying to me, "I think that as much as I understood you, you understood me too." We locked eyes for a really long time, and I wanted so badly to hug her and never let go.

I've just started seeing someone new now, but it's only been a few days since the resolution of all this. I don't know how to get past it. I love her so much, I trust her more than anyone, and it's almost like that's the reason why I can't see her. I feel ripped apart.

It almost hurts more to know that it hurt her too.

Or maybe she was faking, I don't know.

Hey guys Today has been such a good day! The only thing I ate today was 2 SMALL pieces of frozen pizza. (idk how many calories) & ive had 3 cups of tea. Which is good for me, im a bit addicted to tea! lol I just did an hour workout, I feel amazing! I also got on the scale today..... &... I LOST 3 POUNDS SINCE FRIDAY!! Which is pretty good for me, considering all I have been doing is gaining it. lol How is everyone? I hope your all good! Im so determained to loose this weight! Woop woop.

I feel healthy today, I have eaten healthy, I have stayed mostly energized, not been too hungry.  I have gotten motivation in the form of Fitspo.  It motivates me to be safe about this, which is good because too many times I feel the opposite or stress or anxiety or the voice makes me not want to be safe.

Today I feel beautiful, and so are all of you.  Hopefully everyone can have at least a moment of happiness today.  <3

so far today i have had:

water

2 green tea fat metabolizers

water

2 tic tacs

2 sugar free fiber tablets

1 centrum teen for her multivitamin

2 sansar colon cleanse herbal pill

waterwaterwaterwaterwaterwaterwater

im babysitting tonight so i wont be home for dinner, so i dont have to worry about faking it!

yay! i dont feel hungry at all

I am not a doll;

I am not so pretty. 

I am not your love; 

And I never will be. 

In silence I weep, for I am lost, 

Because I gave you my all. 

Lost forever I shall be, until I die.

HEY. so sorry if this is boring i just know i won't hold myself accountable unless i tell other people. so i binged mad hard yesterday....like disgustingly. i was doing so good too! so today i'm starting a water/ V8 when on the verge of fainting fast. i need to do this. i will do this for as long as fucking possible. i heard that you can lose up to 3 pounds a day! is this true? well any tips or buddies would be very much appreciated. thanks for always being here, people inside my laptop stay classy

So some shit on tumblr said that it absolutely cannot constitute a binge unless it is over 5000 calories. That's the magic number apparently. And, I dunno, I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff and I sort of went off on him. I told him that if I was eating uncontrollably, manically, and sobbing the entire meal, then I don't really think I need to meet his magic number. That I didn't need him to tell me whether or not it was a problem.

And he just said, "You're right, it's not a problem."

Bitch has this tumblr full of fad diets. He blogs incessently about the "Macro" diet, and proper nutrition, and honestly just seems like a damn hippie. His tab on caloric intake shows pretty damn conclusively how much of an issue he doesn't have, and he's decided to lecture me? I mean fuck.

And now, because I am a suggestable idiot, I feel like a failure and a wana and a douche for ever feeling like there might be something wrong with eating so much sugar that my heart starts pounding uncontrollably.

I'm just so sick of this. Sick of feeling like a liar and a fake and a fraud. Feeling like if I eat more than a cup of grapes in a day but less than a refridgerator I must not have a real problem. And I'm sick of  feeling like I can't control this thing. Like it's not me in charge and I'm just a food consuming robot with no emotions or soul.

Back in August, I weighed in at 202 pounds.  I was disgusted to say the least.  

I decided enough was enough and that I was going to diet (the unhealthy way)

I binged/purged/starved for the last 5 months and now i'm down to 166 pounds.  Just today, I started the ABC diet in hopes of losing weight while ridding my bulimia.  Hope it works out well.  I've done day 1 with complete success.

If you want to follow my ABC journey, follow my Tumblr blog

http://fatkat108.tumblr.com/

I skipped school today, which usually ends badly b/c I get bored an eat. But, today it didnt happen. Its 4:30pm an I havent ate! The only thing I have had so far is 1 cup of diet pepsi So im pretty happy, Im getting back on track. Finally! Ive been slipping so much latley! I refuse to anymore though! Im making an ED journal thing at the moment. Where you print off thinspo pics and put them in there, along with quotes, progress ect. I think it is really going to help. Also, i need to buy a scale!! How sad is that, I dont even own one. My sister (whom I live with) hates them. She thinks its how you feel an how your clothes fit that matters. & yes thats true... for NORMAL people. Numbers are everything to people like me. lol So, I need to buy one so I can keep up with my progress.

 The 4 D's; Dont Relapse. Distract yourself, Decide Goals, & Distance yourself from food.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see a pretty young women.

Sometimes I look and see a fat sloppy cow.

I can't bare the sight of myself most of the time. I'm completely disappointed in what I've let myself become. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. I hear people say how pretty I am or how jealous they are and the entire time they are talking all I can think is how I need to lose weight or how much they are bullshitting me.

I don't even like to think of waking up everyday because I know that I'm discusting.

THEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFITTHEYFIT!!!

So last week a friend of mine gave me these jeans that I always loved on her because she didn't want them anymore. I thought it was a shame but I was soooo excited because I have loved them for so long but I would never have been able to get them!!! SO I took them staight home to try them on.

They didn't fit

My ass was too big for them I could get them up but I couldn't button them. I was so sad and embarassed because I knew that she would wonder why I wasn't wearing them and I would have been too embarassed to say that I couldn't fit them.

I have been doing a slightly healthier diet and didn't want to slip back into old ways of just not eating. So I worked on having most of my foods be liquids and doing some extra excersizes.

AND NOW THEY FIT!

Granted I need to lose just a little more to make them totally comfortable but I CAN WEAR THEM!

Hope something happens to brighten your day lovelies!

Sometimes I just need to get the starving artist out of my system... and tonight she was wailing, I had to write...

I forget sometimes that I’m fat and ugly and hideous. And I stuff my mouth with horrid bubbling oozing substances. They take away my feelings, leaving me stuffed and ripping at the seams.

And then I remember the sweet hunger pangs. The ones that remind me that I’m strong enough to say no to the person that I am. The feeling of emptiness that I fill with my own self-control. The beautiful demons that fight on the inside for my right to starve. I hear them growling at the thoughts of food. They battle it out on the inside while I listen. The sickening layers of skin drown out the fight to a low roar that others mistake for a craving of calories.

The beautiful struggle wages on inside… And I carry the scars on my sleeves. I win. I win… I’m losing, I win. The sweet hunger helps me succeed.

I never could really understand y poeple cut themselves. I suppose becuase they wanted to know if they were really alive but I finally can understand. I know that im alive. I've never cut myself. But I feel like i keep letting myself down over and over again. Nearly everyday I start the day off really good maybe for a few days and then POOF. Im back to eating. What I'm going to do is gently carve "you" on my wrist. To remind myself everyday that It's for me. I have to do something with myself. I've quit everything since i was little. Never stuck to anything. Swim team, dance, volleyball, yoga, horseback riding, dance again, etc. I'd start and realize I'm not the best at it and idk maybe it was becuase I just felt i wasnt good enough or pretty enough to be the best at it. If i messed up spiking a ball while playing volleyball I'd get so embaressed and then i just kept messing up becuase i felt as if would happen again and again. I have to pull myself together. i want to stop eating completetly until i reach my goal just to prove to myself that i can stick to something. i've never had that feeling of overall accomplishment. All the time i make lists. ALL THE TIME. (i'm a perfectionist) I make lists such as brush teeth twice a day, exersize, dont eat, drink water, lots of chapstick, latise. i want to be the perfect me. If i mess up with exercising the whole plan falls apart. if i fail at one thing i fail all of my work. I just need to realise im not perfect nor ever will be. i can feel perfect but without a skinny body, its not possilbe... starting tomorrow. the LAST and FINAL time EVER to start over. Im going to make this happen. school starts at 7:30 takes me an hour and a half to get ready. one hour to workout. and half an hr approx to blow dry hair/shower. sooo that leaves me at ehh 4: 00 ish? which is 8hours of sleep. maybe... i got to do hw real quick. /: eh

I was so proud this last week that i lost 6 lbs that i decided to take pictures of my progress as i go. I took a couple of photos and starting crying. I was so proud of my weight loss and thought i looked better, but when i took the pictures all i saw was a big fatty fat cow. As of now, im 129lbs. My smallest weight was 110, but i remember when i was that weight i saw the same thing in the mirror that i saw when i was 170lbs....so im curious

does it ever stop?

do you ever feel thin?

what if i reach my goal and im unhappy with how i look?

Im definitely not ever going to give up on my quest for self beauty. I just wish it was easier.

Im Anorexic + bulimic, i switch from one to the other.. i have school tomorrow but my parents have work early.. they leave about 7 in the morning, i leave around this time too but im going to wait around before there gone and when there gone im going to have a MASSIVE bingee!! In a way cant wait since i have been resticting myself recently.. i normaly can get it all up and i drop a few pounds getting it all up & always end up weighing less before i even binged.. if that makes sence?

i have for my binge..

1. cheese & bean melt

2. Massive bowl of cerials with low fat yogart

3. 2 packs of skittles crazy cores..(My Fav!!)

4. chips & chicken

5. bread & butter

6. Big bowl of ice-cream (mint&white'choco)

and this will all be early in the morningg.. ino its disgusing but im just dying for fatty foood!!

i used to be 105lb but now im around 130ish.. i realy want to get down to 95lb.. need help getting theree, anyone can give me goood advice

also i have to do it when my family isnt in because they no when i eat loads im going to be sick so they watch me like all the the time so i have to restrict untill ino there going out one day then i can go mad.. ino people feel bad after binging and purging but when i do thaat i usaly lose weight.. anyone else lose weight aswell?

also it wont loook surspitous since i told my mum im taking it in to school for lunch

.. The Perfect plain!! hope it all goes well!!! <3 and hope everyones ok and beeing happy and losing that horrible fat!!

WHY CAN'T I JUST LOSE THIS SHIT!

I know I need to stop weighing in when I'm on my period... it may only be like a pound or two difference, but it's enough to discourage the shit out of me.  It's stupid because I'm losing inches but gained 2 lbs???  I'm going to work my ASS OFF with cardio and calorie restrict so by the time I'm off my period (in 3 days) I can see some results.  

Also, calorie restricting when you live with your partner/bf/gf is SO HARD.  I do PERFECT all day, then he comes home and I end up blowing it.  I was at 590 yesterday by 10pm.  Then he gets home from work and without realizing it I downed like 800 cals... in one fucking sitting!  I was like, "Oh, tiny bowl of chili and a small sandwich... maybe some wine, no big deal, right?"  WRONG!!!!!

Today will be different today will be different today will be different today will be different.

Cardio-45 mins, walking-20 mins, CALORIES-800 <---- you CAN FUCKING DO THIS