PrettyThin

SO I'm about to get a tattoo, in a couple weeks/one month.  It will be on my left ribs and is the saying  "Strength does not come from physical capacity.  It comes from an indomitable will." - Mahatma Ghandi

I want it because it shows that physical strength and body type don't mean we aren't strong.  I may later have a frail frame, as I lose weight, but I am still a strong woman. 

And I also love it because didn't Ghandi starve for his people's rights?? <3

so, i already have one tattoo, of a rose on my lower hip... but i hate how my body looks... im 5'9'' and 165 pounds... my goal weight is 140 and i want to be at my goal weight by april 1st... im getting three more tattoos and they are all on my mid section.... all i want is to be beautiful, i want to be able to wear a baithing suit and show off my tattoos without feeling disgusting like i do now.. i hate myself, i hate how i look... i will be thin, i will be beautiful...

im starting a water fast tomorrow, so i will be beautiful...

hw: 170

cw:165

lw: 160

UGW: 140 by april...

So....wow I haven't been on here since last year XD
Okay, so it's been a long month-ish, so here's a long-ish post.
First of all, my best friend came home for winter break...She found out about my ED and things went to shit pretty quick. She made me eat, and guilt tripped me about it every time I tried to tell her that I didn't want to eat.. Throughout the three weeks that she was here though, I managed to maintain the same weight without gaining or losing any. Maintainedd 145 blahhh. I hate that number. Anyways, to the happy parts?
New years was pretty much amazing. I got to spend it with the guy that I like.. (: But I also told my best friend that I wanted her..like in a sexual way. So I dunno. Are drunk words really sober thoughts? I mean..I've always found her attractive, and I find other girls attractive..But I dunno. I kissed 3 girls that night. And not just kisses...like make outs. But I had sex with a guy...? Thoughts?

And lastly, I got a new tattoo! 
It says "Love Yourself" for some obvious reasons. First, to love myself and my body. To try and treat my body bette this year. 
Secondly, because I deal with depression, another reminder to myself not to cut, burn, or starve..Or at least to do it less.
Lastly...to remind other people to love themselves. 

I've always had an interest in modelling because I'm so fucking tall, and people would always ask if I did anything because I was super skinny. Anyway, there was an open casting call for a local alternative modelling agency yesterday, but I didn't go because I was feeling like shit about my body.

AND, ironically enough, I wasn't tattooed enough, I think, for their standards. I only have a huge backpiece, two pieces on my left arm, right wrist, rib piece, and some stuff on my hip. Haha. Obviously time to start my half sleeve, I guess? 

How was everyone else's weekends?

Yesterday my dance teacher finally succumbed to cancer.  Today has sucked and all ive done is cried.  she was so special and im not really sure what do with my emotions.  I blame the NHS as she had been going to them with stomach problems for two years before they got off their fat arses and dealt with her and now shes gone

i cant wait! seriously! i decided that when i reach my goal weight (100lbs but im 120lbs now) i will get a tattoo and my belly botton pierced......i already know what kinda of tattoo i want  im gonna get  "forever" in cursive on my left upper back. its gonna be awesome. wish me luckk

Sometimes I get very very sad, but then i jam to this....... and i feel so much better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fs1xHPU7WwA

My volleyball season has officially ended, and now i am free to fast.  I start tomorrow. I know i can do this.

Stay strong all of you lovely people.

my tat2  

my friend jim says i need to get it touched up but i really dunno

So, today I started with a small workout, and going up from there. I ran for 40 minutes through town, man it felt good to know I was burning away fat. Weighed in at 150/: Damn. Hoping to be 145 or less by this time next week. That would be nice. 
Good in that today I ran. Bad in that I couldn't fast like I wanted too. Almost blacked out, so I had to put a little food in my tummy around 6:00pm. 
Oh well...Better luck tomorrow hopefully. Going on a nice hike and then some ab workouts. Might also go for a run.
OH! And getting tattoo number two once I hit 135lbs! I'm going to have "love yourself" written in cursive on my wrist to remind me, and also others(:

How's everybody else doing?! You're beautiful <3

Breakfast-Water
Lunch-Water
Dinner- Water and 1 cup of noodles with sauce. 

So, I live in Texas and I'm only sixteen, so here you legally can't get a tattoo (even with parent permission) until your eighteen. But, in Louisana you can! So, for Thanksgiving my parents are taking me there so I can get my tattoo.

I wanted a dove, because they symbolize peace and serenity. So, I decided to ask one of my friends to design me a custom tattoo and it came out beautiful (: Its a dove sitting on a branch, with its wings spread out wide with the word serenity written above the branch in cursive. It's gonna go on the inner side of my foot, which I know is gonna hurt like hell but I'm trying not to think about that hahaha.

 I wanted something that I could look at for the rest of my life and remember to try to be content and serene with everything in my life. And I just find the idea of a dove with its wings spread fully out inspirational, like I too can grow wings and fly on too bigger and better things. 

But anyways, heres a picture...

The dove still needs to be outlined more, but yeah (:

so ive been wanting a tattoo for a while now and last month i went in to get it. it covers my whole side from the ribs to my hihps. but only the outline is done.. i feel like ive wasted so much money on this because i dont even look good in a swimsuit. i cant even show it off because ive gained so much weight. now its time to go in for my second session to start the color but i feel like i should just wait until i lose a ton of weight because it would be so embarrassing for people to see a "fat" girl getting a tattoo on her side. even then it would take me forever to lose weight because i suck at it.

Here it is. After going to the tattoo parlor on so many occassions, and with so many different friends, I've never really had the urge to get a tattoo. I'm shocked by myself.

Now i've changed my mind. My ED has been in my life since my sophmore year of highschool. (well really since i was 5, cuz that was the first time i asked my mother if i was fat, but we wont start there..). Now, i'm going to graduate college, still having problems. I started with anorexia for 2 years, and have 'graduated' if you will to an awful relationship with bulima ever since. I'm currently working and living in London. I always have this hope that if i surround myself with new ppl in a new situation that my ED will go away.  And it seems to...but that distraction of a new place, new friends, and a new life only lasts so long. I keep forgetting that stress and unhappiness happens in every situation. I have to stop running.

Anyway, I want to get a tatoo right no my ribcage, horizontal, kindof right under my breast. I'm choosing this spot cuz i noticed the habit i've had for 7 years of lifting up my shirt and looking at my fat torso everytime im in the bathroom.  Now i have to pick what I want to have written there: I want it to relate to beauty, being able to get over my mind and mental disorder, and cherishing who I am.  Anyone know of any good short quotes, or have any good ideas of what to write?? And still thinking about if I want it in Latin or in just beautiful script in English.

I would love your feedback!

im 16 and i already know what tattoos i want. once im 18 i want to get Stay Strong across my right ribs and Don't Forget Always Remember on the left. and a heart on my wrist to remind me that i'm loved, and that depression, mutilation and anorexia doesnt define me. something to look at every day.

I've decided that when I reach my gw1 (199) I'll get myself a new tattoo!!  I already know exactly what I want, and I've wanted it for quite some time already. I haven't been under 200 since I was 15, so if when I get there, you bet your ass I'm rewarding myself!

Ok, that's it. Kind of a pointless blog entry, but I'm excited.

We all have a billion and five reasons

to want to be skinny.
_____________________

CD: Day two of ABC
CW: 140
GW1: 130
GW2: 120
GW3: 110
UGW: 100 on the dot

There's always that motivation, that list of reasons you want to be thin. Maybe it
isn't just reasons, maybe it's a list of things you will be able to do, a list of
 clothing you will look good in, a lifestyle you will be able to live, etc. But we
 all have them. They may not be written. Your list may be strictly made up of 
thoughts. However your list is constructed, and wherever you keep it, I know you 
have one. It's different from your thinspiration. It's the cause of your actions.
The driving force behind your diets and fasts. And at the top of that list is 
always one main thing. The reason with the most will behind it. The one thing you
can not wait for when you're skinny. It's the last thing on your mind when you think
of eating, the thing that ultimately stops you from it. It's the first thing on
your mind when you think of why you are doing it and what your reward will be.

At the top of my list, is a lifestyle. A style I would love to start living.
Maybe it's a stereotype, or a "look". But either way, this is my top reason for
all that I am doing -- the diets, the exercising, the fasts, the purges. Here goes.

I want to be covered in tattoos. I want to have a million piercings. But in my mind,
I won't look good with tattoos until I am skinny. I don't know why. Maybe because
I'm already obsessed with the thought of "thin" being the only synonym for "beauty".
Maybe it's because the inked up women I idolize look like a lollipop -- thin, stick
body and huge, teased hair. Picture it for a minute, you'll get the lollipop image.

I want to have hip piercings, for example. I think they are sexy as can be. I love 
how they look, I love them on thin girls, whose hip bones stick out. I love when the 
lines of their beautiful hip bones are complimented with barbells following the curve.
I just want to be so small, that I can work those piercings wonderfully. I don't think
I deserve them at the weight I am. I don't see me looking good rocking hip piercings.
I see the thin, 100lb me rocking them, with a pair of low rise, acid wash jeans, and
a cropped tee. I can't wait to be able to feel beautiful enough to walk in to Iron 
Legends and say "I'd like my hips pierced" with a huge smile on my face. And for the
piercer to be able to perfectly line up the needle with the evident lines of my
pertruding hip bones. I keep thinking of how awesome they will look, and it keeps me
going half of the time.

That and the thought of all of the tattoos I want. Full sleeves, a covered back, a chest
piece, back of my thighs. I have every single tattoo I want picked out, but I just can't
see them looking good on me with my current size. Once again, I want my tattoos to look
like the are a part of my body -- to flow with the natural contours of my bones. I think
skinny girls with tattoos look perfect because their ink does just that. That's my main
reason.

Skinny girls look better with tattoos and piercings.
____________________________________________________

<3

Keep thinking of the rewards; your reasons. 
Much love.

The first time I purged was the late winter of 2008, because I had just eaten grits and my now EX told me I would get fat, and that I would look nice if I was only 15 lbs lighter.

The last time I puked was this morning from eating an apple and a piece of bread.

Instead of going for help again, or signing another stupid promise to myself, or promising recovery to someone else, I've decided to do something permanent that I cannot escape.

Today I walked into my favorite body modification studio, nodded at the owner, and prepared myself for one of the most agonizing, but well-worth-it 30 minutes of my life.

I cannot look in the mirror naked now, without seeing this, and remembering the pain that I went through for recovery. I will get better.

This will one day soon be a pernanent scar. It is a symbol and REAL promise to myself and anyone else who gets close enough that I will be okay one day. I'm hoping that by the time this scarification fades, my eating disorder will have as well. It will not fade fully, but neither will bulimia.

Thanks for listening.

So this is my first ever blog, I wonder if I'll get the little fanfare in my head when I click 'submit'?

I burned only half of what I ate today, yesterday I burned it all.

Unlike a lot of what I hear, see and read I know that I am becoming ill again and I see it as ill. But it's so bitter sweet. I love that feeling when you know your body is eating itself and soon you'll see your beautiful bones. The bones that you know are white and pure, and that show you what you really look like on the inside.

Anyway, this is me, signing out.

Goodnight xxx

So here's the picture of my tattoo I said I'd post. I tried doing it last night but I couldn't figure out how to do it lol Don't mind my disgusting legs >.<