PrettyThin

I'm getting there. I stepped on the scakle 5 minutes ago, after i went to the bathroom, and I'm 117!! I'm so happy! Tommorow will be 116, then 115. I can do this. Eventually i want to make it to 110. I'm going to try my best to avoid food today. When my mom gets home, I will tell her i've eaten poptarts and a crisont. Then lunch, I will figure it out i guess.

Stay stong<3

Today, I've decided that I'm starting over. I will fast tommorow. I won't let anything stand in my way. Yesterday i stepped on the scale and was 121 D: Before the weekend, i was 118. I ate so much. I feel so fat. Nobody understands me excpet people here. I cut myself today. I hadn't cut for a week or two and i thought i was going to stop. I really did. But that's just not how it went. Today sucked so bad. It's only going to get worse. I'm going to drivers ed for the first time and i'm so nervous!! D: I hate my life. I realized that i take everything out on myself. I realized the true reason for doing this, my step dad. Everytime i would eat, he would make cow noises at me. I hate him so much, but my mom can't kick him out or we would loose the house. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't get a job yet because I'm not old enough yet. I don't even know what i want anymore...

can make even the ugliest girls look better.

This past Christmas my mom payed for me to have 2 months of unlimited yoga classes at the local studio. I have been taking them a lot, usually around 5 times a week. It feels sooo great! Sometimes i'll take multiple classes a day. I love the feeling after working out and knowing that I'm defeating the fatness. Slowly but surely i feel like i'm seeing results. I wasn't too sure about it at first. When i would think of yoga in the past i thought of it as more of a peaceful sort of relaxing practice and not so much as a workout. My favorite classes to take are the Hot Vinyasa. Vinyasa is a fast flowing form of yoga that naturally will make you sweat. HOT Vinyasa is even better though since they turn the heat up to above 90 degrees so you really sweat up a storm. Usually burning about 500 calories in an hour and 1/2 class.

I haaate to think about when my two months is up and i won't be able to go to 5 classes a week anymore. /:
It costs about 15$ for each class and i'm not exactly made of money. A year of unlimited yoga is over 600$ I know that sounds ridiculous but if i had that kind of money i would TOTALLY spend it on this.

Yoga is my safeplace. I reccomend it to anyone who would rather be in a more relaxed setting than a gym and still get a nice guided work-out. it's so great!!!! 

so, i already have one tattoo, of a rose on my lower hip... but i hate how my body looks... im 5'9'' and 165 pounds... my goal weight is 140 and i want to be at my goal weight by april 1st... im getting three more tattoos and they are all on my mid section.... all i want is to be beautiful, i want to be able to wear a baithing suit and show off my tattoos without feeling disgusting like i do now.. i hate myself, i hate how i look... i will be thin, i will be beautiful...

im starting a water fast tomorrow, so i will be beautiful...

hw: 170

cw:165

lw: 160

UGW: 140 by april...

It's really hard to sort everything out right now. I'm having a tough time lately and I thought maybe the best thing i could do was make my own list of tips. So that I may have the opportunity to be a help to others as well.

• Keep a bottle of water with you at all times
• Whenever you feel the need to eat, just chug the water and walk away from whatevers tempting you
• Cold Showers, torture right? It's good for your skin, hair (One way to keep your hair from drawing unwanted attention), circulation, and mental health. It will also help energize you. For more info go to http://www.ineedmotivation.com/blog/2008/04/4-reasons-why-you-need-to-take-cold-showers/
• Protien and fiber need to be your main focus. We want to be perfect, not sickly. When you work out without eating, you're burning muscle, not fat. Your body goes into starvation mode and keeps all the fat, even though thats the thing we want to get rid of! The way I get my servings of protein and fiber without overdoing it is making celery, apples, egg whites, and water my everyday meals.
• Try to have a like-minded friend that will hold you accountable and that you can hold accountable as well. It's so much easier when you use the buddy system
• Work out Before you eat. You will feel so great and energized you won't Want to eat as much. Also, if you worked hard enough, you may feel nausious anyway
• Keep a Food journal. At the end of every day record what you ate, drank, any physical activity you participated in, and anything else you think is important. This may include: sleeping patterns, pounds lost, pounds gained, emotional health, etc.
• Sleep is important. Your body does most of its restoration and detoxification between the hours of 11 and 1 so going to sleep around 10 isn't a bad idea. You will also feel better if you go to bed early and get up early. You will feel more ready for the day

Well, they aren't much but maybe they can be of some help!

Mind Over Matter & I Won't Get Fatter

Love Love Love <3

why is it so hard for me to control myself? i am constantly telling myself to stop, and enough is enough. I wish i could stop thinking about it. I want to go one day without the thought of food or eating coming into my head. I HATE IT. 

Today i had a doctors appt. and the doctor told me if i lost anymore weight, i will be too skinny. I don't care. I will never be "too skinny" The good thing is, since the doctor said i'm not underweight(weighed with my clothes on and in the afternoon) my mom backed off and isn't monitoring my eating! Thank god!!! Now i can sit here and starve without her knowing.

This probably won't make much sense. But I voiced this to my best friend, out loud for the first time in my life two days ago, and I can't stop thinking about it. Not in a negative way, but just in how it is so complicated and intricate and honestly beautiful in the most fucked up way.

I was brutally raped when I was fifteen, and it continued until I was eighteen. But at that point, that first instance, something broke. And now I realize that it is called dissociative personality disorder. But it's strange, because I don't have different voices or truly different people. I think. But at first there were two. The original Marty, developing an eating disorder, and then Kari was created, with bi-polar II tendencies. And then MK showed up, the psychotic schizophrenic. Then Cali, the recovering heroin addict with PTSD after going into rehab. And now there's Marguerite, this intelligent student with a vehement case of OCD. I don't know what to think. I have no fucking idea who I am. But all these girls, all of me (?) they are in my head either talking or yelling at each other, and I take on the aspects of whoever is the loudest, the most compelling. I don't understand.

I hesitate when people ask me my name. I get confused when I'm with too many people that know me by different names because the personas clash. 

All I know is that all of the therapy I've been in so far is so fucking useless, it's not even funny. And I need help but I can't go back to a hospital again, I just fucking can't.

I'm sorry. I just had to write this down somewhere, somehow.

Hi PT,

So I posted awhile ago for people on PT to add me to BBM because I didnt have internet so a few of you started to add me and I was very impressed because I got to know a few of you very well! But the bad news about all this is, my blackberry had to be shut off because it was too expensive to pay and I couldnt afford it.

So, if anyone wants to talk to me I am now able to go on PT whenever I am able to. But I need your help guys, I thought I had a one of the girls on my BBM on my PT but it looks like she's not on here.

Either she deleted her account or I just cant find her, I was wondering if someone could get in contact with her and just tell her I would love for her to know my Blackberry was shut off and perhaps she could message me.

Also, I'm on Skype now, my username is felixxsmitten .

Thanks for your time. PS: The lady who I am looking for, is Stacex.

Keep strong everyone, xox.

Today i i skipped breakfast and lunch and worked out for an hour and a half in offseason. ive drank 4 glasses of water today and ate a Dilly Bar icecream bar,220 calories. ill probley drink more water when i get hungry later. im pretty proud of myself today. tomorrow ill try to do better and only eat a orange, 45 calories. ive learned if i completely cut out all sweets ill binge more easily. every few days ill let myself eat a snack size chocolate or something, nothing more than that though. I also found this amazing amazing website called, Calorieking.com. its a life savor. everyone go look at it!:)

Living in residence is killer when trying to live/eat the way I want to. Mostly because of the friends knocking on my door so often asking me to go get breakfast/lunch/dinner with them. With this, i'm stuck between wanting to eat healthy and not eating at all.. but I then feel incredibly guilty for eating the salad, or the whole piece of chicken. It's almost impossible for me to calorie count here too. I spent 3 days this week eating only what little one meal a day I could, and now it's impossible to hide that I don't want to eat. Excerise too.. i'm already getting comments on the fact that I go to the gym everyday.  This route is perfect for becoming healthy.. despite that fact that it makes me want to purge, and with a single room and a garbage can, it's easy sometimes. The guilt is driving me crazy. 

Anyone with the same issue, or with tips?

for all the drugs i would need/like to take right now.

I wanna go away. Far enough so even I cant find me.

Brand new here. Been on the ED ride several times before and now it's here like an old friend again. Funny how with old friends, you can spend a lot of time apart, and then as soon as you're back together it's like no time has ever passed. My weight a little over a month ago had gotten a lot higher than I was ok with. Even at the doctor's she said my BMI was too high and she said it wouldn't hurt to lose a little. So there is where I started and fell right back into it so comfortably! Started counting calories at 184 pounds. Ouch! Way too big! Within a month I've gotten to 159 pounds and clothes were too loose! Now finally able to pull out the jeans I have missed so much! Hanging with friends lately because they saw the eating restriction starting and said they wanted me to stay with them for a little bit, so I could get this ED under control. Now I have my calorie intake to 600-700, instead of 300, but it's ok because I'm exercising all the time and make sure I burn off those calories every day. Some days are hard. Hard to eat less, or hard to eat enough to get the concerned people around me satisfied. Then hard to discreetly get enough exercise to work it ALL off. But I am doing it, and I am strong and determined! Roar!!! It's so good to have found this site! Thank you all for being here

Every day I hear her telling me stop eating your gonna get fat. Your such an ugly cow. Why would he want to be with you. Your disgusting. And I feel like every time I step on the scale its just lying to me. I've been running like 5 miles a day on 200 cal. Ive lost five pounds in 6 days. I still feel like I'm not good enough. My boyfriend says he supports me on loosing weight and then complains to everyone about me once I leave. I feel like he's just like every guy. All they want is the same god damn thing. Just because I didnt feel like kissing tonight he decided to go to sleep. Its like thats all he wants me for. If I don't want to be physical then why spend time with me? He says he really likes me, but I feel like I'm just his second choice. I'm always the second choice. Its like no matter what I do, I still feel like he's looking at the other girls. He liked my friend and before me but she turned him down. I regret ever saying yes to him. I'm just a fat ugly worthless noone anyways. at five one and still at 108. I deserve to starve. i deserve to feel the pain and loose that weight. Just ten more pounds. 

Only 6 weeks left till my due date! (: Fiiinally!

I soo can't wait to be able to actually be able to diet.

I weigh myself tomorrow to see how much I've gained this week, hopefully not a lot.

I haven't eaten over 1700 cals this past week, which is an amazing feeling (: I feel soo great.

Food for tomorrow:

Breakfast: toast & hot chocolate: 180

Lunch: 1 cup of cereal, a slice of cheese, an orange, and a vitamin water: 370

Snack when I get home: 1 poptart: 200

Dinner: Noodles and Sunny D: 600

Desert: iced brownie: 170

Total= 1520

I wonder when the time will come that someone will notice.

All these lies have to stop.

I cant even keep my head on straight.

I never wanted all this.

When will I fucking stop !?

FUCK THIS.

Dr. Jekyll

Mr. Hyde.