PrettyThin

I currently live with my father away from my siblings. Its really nice here, but it does get lonely.

My little sister decided to come spend the weekend. I was excited because she promised to hang out with me in the city and come with me so I can get my nose pierced. So I went out in the COLDD weather to pick her up from Penn Station and taught her how to use the subway. Once we got home, she looked at me and said "By the way, my boyfriend called this morning and I'm going to hang out with him tonight and tomorrow instead."

I very rarely see my sister.

Another thing is... I feel so ugly and gross when she's around. I may be thinner, but she has the looks. Like, on the subway a guy stood up to let her sit down and I had NEVER gotten that treatment EVER. Even when I used to look more girly.

blah its gonna be a horrible weekend.

Feeling pretty good today!! Ate only 655 cals, going to weigh in soon! I think I'll be under my CW of 149.4, so YAY for me!!! I'm excited....today was a good day.  Even had some sorority sisterly bonding today, which made me feel good! Even have a small starbucks drink (Vanilla Frappuccino premade 200 cals) if later tonight I get really desperate.  Finally I'm ready for this.  Also have several pages to add to my Thinspo Binder.....Soo much to do, I'm feeling pretty productive!!! Hold onto this feeling, because tomorrow could be bad....but not if I just control eating....that'll make it work

I am never thin enough ever. I started in August last year at 168lbs and 5'5. I went on the Dukan Diet, a protien only diet and got to 139lbs. Then everyone told me to stop. So at Christmas I ate what I wanted, but I wanted to lose more so I went back on it, Now I am 135lbs and have started purging even tho I'm not binging. I am still not thin enough!! Nothing works. I try to starve, but I'm too weak and faint all the time. I purge until nothing comes out but it doesn't work! I've hit a plateau! what do I do!? I only eat protein and 0% Dairy, if that! 

Missing you

is driving

down a dusty road

with honeysuckle for hair

and

wild rose for starring eyes.

Stopping to kick cans

and scare crows.

The crows just do their highwire act

on telephone poles

and wonder why I'm yelling and maybe what's wrong with me and we wish she would leave and why is she crying?

Some of you girls talk about being 115 or less, and talk about how you can't wait to be thinner. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for you and I hope you see your results and you become light as a feather, but Jesus Christ, I would kill to be that little. You must be beautiful, lovely little ladies.

I aspire to be like the rest of you, so we can all float away together.

Im majorly restricting and redoing my cabinets right now. Everyone is eating pizza and drinking beer and i refuse to have some. I have that "no energy and angry at the world" feeling right now and i might throw a tantrum soon.

I thought I was free. But no. Even the tiniest little things that bug me or make me upset in any kind of possible way, make me want to starve! My boyfriend and I just broke up because he just told me that he's been liking another girl. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. It completely drains the worth out of me, and I feel like I wasn't good enough so he wanted someone else who acutally could be. I just can't even think straight at the moment. Just this week, everything was going soooooo well, I was eating, being happy, and determined to not let this disease run my life anymore, but I guess I'm not strong enough. I guess there just is no escape. There is no end. And now, I'm on my way to my comforting, wonderful goal weight of 84 pounds. So long, sanity. I'm gonna miss ya

so i went looking at dresses for my sisters wedding, im a size 8 or 10 now been trying to slim down to pre recovery weight but today the dress was a size fucking 12. i feel so bad, what the fuck, my sister is so much bigger than me and we ended up getting the same size dress, im starting to really not want to eat or recover in case i gain anymore weight. i dont know how i ever got to this. i want to be happy for her but im not im angry, at her at me at my body at recovery. i have to be thin for this wedding. i was happier looked better and at least i knew who i was i was ed i was ana i was nearly perfect.

I just don't know where else to go, and I need to get this off my chest... For almost two months, I have been seeing this guy. We have talked every day since early December. We spend a lot of time together too. I just have this overwhelming urge to tell him that I love him. I am to the point where I just want to scream it, but that would be bad. I can't tell him, I can't tell anyone. I can't even post about it on tumblr or facebook, because himself or other people will see. Sorry this isn't ED oriented you guys, I just needed to vent. aiuhadgfhuidg I'm just in a shit mood, because a whole bunch of drama went down between us today, which makes me wanting to say this even worse, because now I definitely can't. I slept over at his house after the show. After he fell asleep, I cried myself to sleep over some bullshit, but I still couldn't help but smile when I woke up in his arms. It's just so... ugh. I don't know. Am I crazy for feelinf this way so soon?

This is us last night... Even his grime face is just so fucking cute to me. (We were at a drum and bass event)

Is it bad to eat under 200 calories a day? Because that's what i've been doing... I usually eat under a 1000 but lately i've been sick of my weight and i won't allow myself to eat more.

This is what i've eaten in the last 2 days:

4th February (Today)

2 apples: 144 calories

2 cups of tea (no sugar or milk): 3-6 calories

2 gum: 20 calories

1.25L of water: 0 calories

TOTAL: 170 calories

3rd February 

½ celery stalk: 7 calories 

1 & ¾ of an apple: 125 calories 

1 cup of black tea (no sugar or milk): 0-3 calories 

1 gum: 10 calories 

1.25L of water: 0 calories

TOTAL: 145 calories 

2nd February 

2 cups of black tea (no sugar or milk): 3-6 calories 

2 celery stalks: 7 x 7 = 14 calories 

2 apples: 72 x 2 = 144 calories 

1.25L of water: 0 calories 

1 sip (legit, a sip) of feel good: 53 calories <taking a guess)

TOTAL: 217 calories

I don't even know why i'm doing this? Out of paranoia maybe? My scale broke... I wonder if i fixed my scale would i start eating big again?

Bad thing is I wanted to fast today but I had horrible cramps so bad I stayed home from school, I am bed written by my aunt but she went to the eye doctor so I got out of bed and ate something. I didn't want to but I honestly thought that if I didn't eat something I would die, like actual death my aunt would come home and find my dead body and I would have nothing. I'm feeling better now though, I mean I still have really bed craps but I just took 3 ibprofen which always helos me. Well thank you for reading my sorrows loveties.....I hope you all are having a lovely day.

So here again I am.. back on PT. I left for about 30 days &: surprise, surprise, stalled my WL at about 129lbs. UUUGgghhhHH. failure. so tired of feeling like a failure. Why Can't I get it together? I hate the taste of food & how it feels sitting in my stomach--yet still, I have not lost any more weight, or cut my cal intake. So I am back with a vengeance & this time I am dedicated to stick with this. I think I will keep the cals at 800-900, but start exercising again. It was hard when my hubby got back fro Afghan to get on the elliptical and not spend every second I could with him. Well, I am hoping that you guys will welcome me back with open arms and support this new quest. TY xox xoxo ;oO

Check day....... a day that is always a problem for my ed.

How am i supposed to focus on exercise and eating less when a get a huge lump sum of cash and just want to go out on the town and have a sick weekend.

I'm signed back up for school......

Great.....

I gained 5 pounds.......

100 lbs and losing.....

It never ends.....until perfection.

I am so tired of this costant battle in myself. One moment I am too thin, one moment I am just right, another moment I am too fat and not thin enough... I can't decide where my head is at! Right now I am having a fat moment.

I see these bones forming and it disgusts me but when I see that number go down on the scales... it feels as though all other accomplishments pale in comparison! I have to keep telling myself that 50kg is not a high number, that it is a good place to be. But 49kg will always be better... and then 48kg...

I am fed up of having to buy new belts and new clothes... nothing fits right anymore! All those clothes that used to fit me perfectly, that made me look womanly, now just fall off. Where did all my feminine curves go?

One day...

I do it because I want him to tell me my body is a wonderland.

I do it because I don't want to flinch to your touch.

I do it because I can't look in the mirror anymore.

I do it because I want to look the way I feel I should.

I do it because I want control.

I do it because its the only thing I can count on.

I do it because I want to feel my hipbones.

I do it because its the only way I feel clean.

I do it because I don't want the guilt to come back again.

I do it because I have to prove it to myself.

I do it because they wont be able to ignore me.

I do it because I want him to pick me up.

I do it because I can run away from it all faster.

I do it because I'm selfish.

I do it because gluttony will be one less sin to worry about.

I do it because I can't go shopping without crying.

I do it because I don't need it.

I do it because happiness is more important.

I do it because I can't stop.

I do it for ME.

That's what ana is. No tips. No tricks. Its you.

today i binged alot and right when i was gonna purge my dad came home.usually i only binge/purge when im alone for obvious reasons.so  i pretended i was taking a shower and did it then.but when i got out he looked so sad and like dissapointed and asked me like 3 times if i still throw up.because he knows i used to.and he was like "i thought you were getting better.why are you still losing so much weight?" i dont like seeing him that way because i hate letting him down.for anything. so i just assured him in not throwing up even though he didnt believe me. the last thing i want is to let everyone i love down. i feel so bad. but im not gonna stop. why is it my family, one friend and my doctor are the only ones who think im too skinny.just the other day someone told me i had a big butt all day. and 'curves'. i hate hearing it and im not going to stop until that changes.

I've only recently become like this, caring about my weight and dress size, so I kinda need some advice and I have some questions...

Firstly, I'm 122 pounds and 5 ft 4... I know, I'm enormous, that's why I need your help.

1) I have days where I overeat by a lot and it makes me feel so bad, I just sit and cry and feel like I want to die and I don't know why I did it. I know that I could just purge, but I can't bring myself to do it, and every time I have tried I almost do it but then my body gives up on me. It's really bringing me down, all I want is to be skinny. Can anyone help me with this, give me some advice about it and inform me of ways that I can do it? And how many times do I have to do it to get all the food out of my body?

2) This is just a general question, when you do eat, how long have you got to get the food out of your body before it digests, and does it get rid of all of the calories and fat?

3) Diet pills: Do they work? Which are the best ones I can get on a budget from a chemist (Boots or Superdrug preferably), and can I buy them under the age of 18?

That's all, I hope someone can get back to me  

Hello lovies.

I'm back from my inpatient treatment, and I really do feel like I took care of some things I needed to. My head is in a better mindset than it's been in years, thank god, and I think it's because I'm finally compliant with my anti-psychotic meds. But I still have that ana voice in the back of my mind, so here I am. She just makes me stronger. And, of course, I missed all of you lovely ladies  I'll be joining some kind of fast or bootcamp today I'm sure, so you'll see me around the sight. I love you all, glad to be back.

xoxo

A.P.