PrettyThin

This bitter taste, their painful gaze, the shame I feel within. 

I want it gone, I want to sleep and not wake up.

If you see me in a corner, you see a ghost of me. 

For I am gone, my mind is empty, yet my body stayed behind.

Please just go, let me sleep forever, all I want to do is die...

This loneliness slowly fogs my mind, and blurs my vison.

 It leaves me yearning for things to fill this empty void.

My foolish heart is filled with hopeful  thoughs, of a better  future—

I tell myself—if only I do this  or that, ill surely be content.

I soon believe these lies.

 But in the end, after all is done and said,

 all that remains with me are these lonely lies.

Yellow stripes, black lines, all blending, all becoming one. They sting these lines, quickly turning red, disguising what has been there all along, the lines, red , yellow, black, all blending into one—in the end it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same., they sketch her arms, outline all her faults. Not forgiving, they painfully etch across her skin, and as quickly as they came, they’re covered up. All she wants is to be beautiful; all she wants is to be loved. But it’s too late, she’s gone to the blade, the red fills her emptiness with something, something is better than nothing. She hates this feeling, empty, alone, diseased. Hate, that’s all she begins to feel, but not towards others, but to herself. The hate leaves. The emptiness remains, always there, always reminding her, she needs the red. It’s become a part of her, it doesn’t matter that she’s managed to stay away for so long, in the end she always returns, to her one relieve. The only thing that makes her fell alive and, less empty. She grabs the blade, it fits so perfectly in her palms, wow-she had forgotten the feeling, it’s the ultimate jewel. She grabs the precious metal and slowly touches the surface of her wrist. She begins to add pressure, oh the beautiful pain, it fills her soul, she wants the feeling. It’s too late now, she’s cut. The memories come back, the pure joy and beauty; it asks nothing in return except for more of the vile liquid that erupts from her veins. And then it’s over, she looks around and sees the green of the park she’s been sitting in, the tree which she reclines on, the reality of her surrounding hits her, so shockingly at first, but it feels so fake, it’s not enough, she reaches under her long sleeve shirt and is reminded of what she’s done. She feels some shame, knows what she did is wrong. But it doesn’t matter; part of her still loves the feeling. And she knows that shell return once again and grab the blade and slice her wrists. Maybe one day shell manage to go deeper and it’ll all be over, but until then the blade remains her only friend.

                Yellow stripes, black lines, all blending, all becoming one. They sting, these lines, quickly turning red, disguising what has been there all along. these lines, red , yellow, black, all blending into one—in the end it doesn’t matter, they’re all the same. they sketch her arms and outline all her faults. Not forgiving, they painfully etch across her skin, as quickly as they came, they’re swiftly covered up. All she wants is to be beautiful; all she wants is to be loved.
                But it’s too late, she’s gone to the blade, the red fills her emptiness with something, which to her seems better than nothing. She hates this feeling, empty, alone, diseased. Hate, that’s all she begins to feel, but not towards others, only towards herself. The hate leaves, but the emptiness remains, always there, always reminding her. she quickly begins to need the red. What began as an escape has now become her only prison. It’s become a part of her, it doesn’t matter that she’s managed to stay away for so long for, in the end she always returns, to her one relieve-her one true love.
                The only thing that makes her fell alive, and calms the emptiness inside of her. She grabs the blade, it fits so perfectly in her palms, wow-she had forgotten the feeling, and it’s the ultimate jewel. She grabs the precious metal and slowly touches the surface of her wrist. She begins to add some pressure-slowly at first quickening with every second that goes by, oh the beautiful pain, it fills her soul, she wants the feeling.
                It’s too late now, she’s pierced throught, her once soft skin. The memories of her past begin to pour through her mind, she quickly grabs the blade again-the pure joy and beauty; it asks nothing in return, -- except for more of the vile liquid that erupts from her veins.
                And then it’s over, she looks around and sees the green of the park she’s been sitting in, the tree which she reclines on, the reality of her surrounding hits her- so shockingly at first, but it feels so fake, it’s not enough, so she reaches under her long sleeve shirt and is reminded of what she’s done. She feels some shame, knows what she’s done is wrong. But it doesn’t matter; part of her still loves the feeling. And she knows that she’ll return once again and grab the blade and slice her wrists. Maybe one day she’ll manage to go deeper and it’ll all be over, but until then, the blade remains her only friend.

I want to use this razor and make all of this go away.

One sweet little line and it will all fade to gray.

The blood will dribble down my arm into a puddle on my palm.

Painting it's canvas with candy apple red ecstasy.

All of the agony is gone.

The ache has disappeared.

And I am swimming in a sea of elation.

This impulse, this urge to feel that intoxicating thrill rushing down my sleeve is almost too much to handle.

How can this not be normal?

Why does this make me insane?

Am I delirious to think that I should be able to mark my own skin without everyone fussing over it?

This sweet sweet euphoria is the only thing keeping me alive anymore.

During.enless.dreams.and.sleepless.nights

I.await.by.my.bedside.praying.on.dawn's.light

I.lived.through.nightmares

.died.in.dreams

I.counted.each.star.at.night

every.planet.bright.as.stars

but.I.get.blinded.by.the.moonlight

then.one.thought.comes.to.mind

Where.were.you.in.my.dreams

Where.were.you.in.my.thoughts

Why.haven't.you.come.back.for.me

You.promise.me.a.promise

to.come.back.one.day

but.you.left.me.on.my.own..........

Ana have you found me yet?

I think you have, is that your voice I hear?

 Telling me, you’re fat and ugly,

 But I can make you pretty,

 I can make you skinny,

 I can make you perfect!

Is that even possible?  I ask,

Looking at mirror and crying in disgust

All I have to do is hear your voice and mute all others, right?

Don’t eat this, don’t eat that- you say

But I am weak- I disobey

I eat and eat and eat-and in the end I feel so gross, I feel so fat!

I grab the blade, I slice my wrist-you tell me I deserve it

That’s my punishment you say

It’s for my own good; all you want is my perfection

Ana you’re my only friend, but I am weak I disobey.

Cutting like a razor

The silence is deafening

I pray for its end

While I lie here in the dark screaming

I will not let the senses tempt me

I will make my way back to obscurity

But first I will test my will power

And strive to achieve purity

My determination banishes all thought

All history of the unclean

The sugar, the calories, the fat

And everything in between

I will refuse what is offered

Maintaining the control I fight to keep

To push away all thoughts of food

To have the perfection just beyond my reach

I will make it, I will be pure, I will win

This battle, this war on nutrition

The hunger has subsided

I have resisted the temptation into submission

No one saw through your games, confidential.

I know the right words to say, FACT,

Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came".

Then someone tells you how good you look,

"Sexy" - "thin"

And for a moment, your heart skips a beat,

To make us happy,

You realise their lies will come back to bite you,

in your fat ass.

But when Your alone, no one hears your cry, standard.

But when your alone, no one hears your cry, FACT.

I am the loss of appetite.

I need you to need me, GIRL. 

I need you to know,

That we'll be OK together we can be strong, FACT.

Push a little farther now,

Together we can make it through another day,

Without me you feel

un-beautiful,

That was the first day I constrained you, 

like a puppet doll, but with chains instead of strings,

What I do know is how I've changed your life forever,

an 'eternal' relationship.

I am the reminder of the ugliness in the mirror.

And you need my help, so i'm not letting go,

You an me have a pact. FACT.

You should know you're not on your own,

These secrets are walls that keep us alone,

If you're flawless, then you'll win my love

Don't forget to keep that smile on your face,

"Smile" FAKE. 

Try a little harder, You've got to measure up,

How long before you screw it up, without me your nothing. 

I have the need for speed, you have the urge to purge,

Thanks to me, "Skinny"

I am your motivation, your companion. 

With everything I do for you, LIES.

The least you can do is keep quiet,

Be a good girl,

I'll live for you if you live with me. 

You are me, you are what i am, FACT.

And it really doesn't matter that we don't eat

No, it really doesn't matter at all

Cause we were so young, now,

And when tomorrow comes,

We'll just do it all again,

Yes we will, purge.

I am in your head. FULL STOP.

I'm doing this for your own damn good,

What's the problem ...... why are you crying,

We are friends,

Companion's. FACT.

I'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect,

I wonder what are we fighting for,

You want to get out of this, 

But my grasps tough, tougher than you. 

I'd miss you. 

FAT.

Why fight against me.. I'm helping you to your goal. 

I am your goal. 

I wonder how it's going to be?,

When you don't know me,

When your carted to rehab. FACT.

How's it going to be?, 

They'll be a silence you can't ignore

I wonder how its going to be, 

Between you and me,

Because i don't care.

I'll find my next victim, HA

and that tangled web of lies, 

will arrive. 

I am your life.

Cause I don't care,

How's it going to be,

You care about me. 

When your parents and friends laugh,

point at you, worthlessness. 

antidepressants for your anxiety,

Diet pills for your depression,

Happiness is a hard price to pay,

I am the pill, you are addicted.

Thin for the win.

I am your ANA. 

And you can't get rid of me. FACT

What's changed?

I feel defeated

I feel like my world is compeletly crashing around me. Why doesnt anyone else get it? Why cant they understand that ana is not a choice for me, and that its not something thats up to them to fix.

I just dont understand how everything can go from being so perfect to being so screwed up in such a short amount of time.

I was beautiful, I was so close to being 80 pounds....so close to perfect.

But now Im here. At 95 pounds and feeling defeated.

I was so happy with myself, with everything that I was.

I was strong, i was confident, i was thin.

But they all ganged up on me and sent me to a rehab facility...aka hell in my book

They forced me to eat. Everyday I sat there and cried because it was torture.

But now Im finally out, but not entirely.

Now they all watch me. They watch my every move. Trying to see if Im eating, if im "slipping back into my habit"

This isnt a habit. This isnt something I want. This is just who I am. Why cant they understand that?

I just feel so defeated