PrettyThin

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// prose. //

we were nothing

that was everything

our eyes exploded

in a supernova

of the greatest epiphanies

almond, alienoid, curved

our bodies made of light

you were you

but you were not

this is surreality

infinitesimal

cradled in the collarbone of god

perforated with everything you are

rocketing into

azure places where dreams live

we were no longer two

we named new colours and

fed our songs to the stars

So I'm getting off a fast, and according to my plan I have to drink 400 cals of liquids today. So that my body can get up and running again for monday, when I have to start eating vegetables.

But I can't drink this yogurt. It's 110 calories but I just can't can't can't.

I want to water fast for forever, but I know this is what I have to do so I don't balloon up on monday.

I wish I was alone. Then I could water fast for weeks.

Eating disgusts me.

Okay, at 9.30 I'll start drinking this. I have to get my metabolism started and suck it up.

You look up at her eyes full of tears, heart breaking.

She does'nt see it, you can tell.

It's there in her eyes as she looks at you and says, "You're lying."

At that moment you feel as though you have failed.

And you have.

You've failed her.

You didn't speak up when you saw the number on the scale reduce rapidly.

You told her you'd help, but you never did.

You made a promise, to her friend Samantha to keep her alive healthy...

You broke your promise.

Now she sits on a gurney tubes and monitors straped to her.

Needles in her slender arms, she hates needles you think as you stare at where the metal enters her flesh.

She would be screaming yelling to get the damn thing out of her if she could, but she can't.

She can only lie there limp, pale, ghostly, lifeless.

That's what she is: a living dead girl.

Not quite dead but not really alive either.

She dancing on the wire and she's about to fall.

She's going to fall and she will not survive, her weak body well passed fighting.

Now she's just sinking.

And you know as does everyone else in the universe that it's your fault'

You are the one to blame.

You think If only I had...

But the truth is you didn't.

You didn't make sure she knew she was the most beautiful girl in your eyes.

You didn't tell her how much it hurt to see her wither away to nothingness.

You didn't grab her hand and pull her out of the sea she was drowning in and tell her everything was gona be okay because she was safe now.

She isn't safe now you let her drown.

You know it and everyone else does too.

No one will admit it, they'll tell you you couldn't do anything that she was sick.

But you know they don't truly understand how close you were.

They don't realize that now that she is gone, even though you have people that care about you, you have no one.

She cared the most.

She would hold your hand when you couldn't face the world alone.

She dried your tears when you cried.

She was there when you needed her.

She listened when you needed to talk.

She loved you when you felt the world was out to get you and hated you.

She was there.

You were not.

Now look what you've done.

Now the only person that has ever let you be yourself is fading away.

The only person you were good enough for is dying.

And it's all your fault.

You saw the way she looked at her own reflection.

You saw the way she flinched when someone called her beautiful.

You saw.

You saw.

You heard.

You heard.

You watched.

You watched.

You knew.

You knew.

You didn't do one goddamn thing.

" I'm sorry."You say as the tears fall.

But you know you're too late.

And you aslo know that this amazing creature would look up at you if she could and say

'I forgive you.'

But she can't because you were too late.

You didn't save her.

Now she is 67lbs and dying of mal nutrition.

She is anorexic.

She is still and always will be the most gorgeous girl, even though she's nothing but frail fragile brittle bones.

"Hi," she says as she wakes up.

You know that she will be asleep within a few moments, her tiny self too feeble and weak to stay awake.

"Hi." You say through the sobs that are now exploding in your chest.

She smiles as she closes her eyes and drifts back into her near comatose state.

You fall asleep in the chair next to her hospital bed, holding her boney hand in yours.

When you wake up you realize something is wrong...

She is lying too still.

She is too pale her lips a blueish color.

Then it hits you.

Gone.

She's gone.

Forever.

No turning back no more appologies heard.

No more nights staying up till 6:00am laughing and joking about guys and life.

No more seven page long notes passed back and forth in class.

No more walks in the rain.

No more texts to fill up your inbox at least 12 times a day.

No more tight hugs shared in the middle of the hall way after an extremly bad day.

No more tears shed over meaningless arguments.

No more telling each other about the terrible judgements whispered about them in the locker room.

No more watching terribly romantic movies and joking about how sapy they were.

No more braclets made out of yarn.

No more mosh pits at concerts.

No more inside jokes that have you both rolling on the floor laughing.

No more awkward moments.

No more crying in the dressing rooms of department stores.

No more ranting about how much you hate each others mothers.

No more wrestling with Kelsey's little brother.

No more blasting Hollywood Undead at 4:00am.

No more Christmas Dance drop out lists.

No more 'playing Santa' and buying gifts that you know she will love and tell you you spent too much on.

No more heated debates on which brand of chocolate is better.

No more crying over the guy that rescently broke one of your hearts.

No more crazy dares that niether of you would ever do unless it was one of you daring.

No more listening to her sing along to songs, the really bad ones and some how making them sound beautiful with her shaky imperfect alto voice.

No more her.

No more you.

She's dead.

Your best friend is dead.

And I can no longer find my voice to say I'm sorry.

So I'll write it down.

I'm sorry Kelsey for everything.

I'm sorry that when I let you go you turned around and pushed me off the cliff not even bothering to reach for my gnarled boney lifless anorexic hand.

 Love,

Rachael

i need a text buddy,. i dont want to be fat any longer.

wanna be my buddy? message me

What real girl hasn't aspired to be a Princess?

Royalty fears no pain;

has skin that glows with health

and incadescent beauty.

All Princesses have their Prince,

eternal happiness and unlimited weath.

But a Paper Princess...

that is something entirely new.

A one-dimensional self, soul, body--

possessed by one driving force:

to be Skin Thin.

Paper Princesses

don’t eat their dinners or sleep through the night.

Paper Princesses

starve and scream and storm and cry and cut.

(If I cry much more,

my paper skin will wilt,

melting off of paper bones.)

I want to be a real girl.

Real Girls

have hearts that don’t ache with a physical pain.

Real Girls

eat their potatoes and have sweet dreams of their Far-Away Princes.

Real Girls still think that Princes exist.

Real Girls are the real Princesses.

I want to be a real girl,

a Me-Girl who doesn't hurt herself,

a She-Girl that is loved by all.

I used to be a Princess.

But I turned to paper.

So much for Happily Ever After.

Hey! So, I took a little break from the site a while back and I'm slowly getting back in to it. I was looking for some diet buddies so we can keep each other motivated etc. Write to my inbox, whatever! :P

I live in England so yeah... hit me upxx.

worth

// stream of consciousness, prose. //

i must still love you without love

without hate and i see you sometimes

pretty smiles dolled up eyes but you're

lonely. all alone and i still love you pieces

of me left shattered they love you.

and that bitter pain the one that feels like you

sits inside my lungs and cries;

drowning saline solution the resin is my pain

sticks like tar touching everything.

carrying a secret agony, a broken heart.

something forever unhealed- a private place

with women in black who mourn, they wail and

mourn for what never was and never will be

reunited in flames

i'll push the boulder for awhile

I feel so alone, I want to talk- but not with you, not with anyone really.

I feel so cold, I want a blanket but I know it won’t help me.

I feel so sad, I want you to understand but I know you simply can't.

I feel so small, but i'm as big a house.

I feel so heartbroken, how can I still love you when you hate me.

I feel so dead,  on top of my bed when I should be in a casket.  

Yet, despite all this, I still manage to feel numb to everything else. 

So, I just finished four days of strict water fasting. Yay me! But with my family situation I can't keep up the fasting, so I need to start easing back into normal-ish food on the weekend, so I don't:

1. Gain a bunch of weight from the lowered metab. from the fast

2. Make my family worried

For today, saturday, and sunday, I'm going to do a liquid fast. Which is, I'll drink chicken bouillon broth and watered down organic fruit juices-- not in excess of 400 cals each day.

Then on monday I'll eat start eating a small amount of veggies and fruits. This time no more than 300 cals a day. Then on friday I'll boost it up to 500 cals a day, and allow myself unbreaded chicken.

From there, who knows?

I can't wait for all of this! Ana makes me so happy. Being able to set goals and achieve them is wonderful. I'm beginning to trust myself. I know I can achieve my goals. I can I can I can. I'm losing weight already.

Even more excited to be able to exercise once I start eating. My plan is, once I hit a plateau I begin the biking. But right now, as I'm able to lose a lot of weight just fasting&restricting, I want to take advantage of that.

I know this is long, sorry! I also can't wait to take a new picture of myself on monday. Hopefully there will be a visible weight loss since last monday.