PrettyThin

Been gone for so long

should I even try to belong?

listened to every mellow song

even took a hit from a bong

I need to relax, need to chill

I need to stop living for the thrill

the hits and the burns

the cuts and the bruises

the lies and the excuses

Curse it all away

let it die in shame

me in vain

in vanity

but I no longer want them to see

I just want to fade

It isn't enough

to puff

so I think I'll disappear in the only other way

I know

eating less and losing pounds

Word got around but I turned my nose up

I am going to try and force a smile-

make it look like I don't give a fuck

three more months and school is done

college will have just begun

but at least I'll start new, fresh

I know though, I know

I will keep on losing until I can't anymore

because nothing matches the ecstasy of fitting into the old jeans

size 2

and nothing compares to the orgasmic feeling of hunger, starvation

when you stomach growls and you can't even feel it

you separate, divide

and your head hurts and aches

but that is when you know, you know

you are there.

Missing you

is driving

down a dusty road

with honeysuckle for hair

and

wild rose for starring eyes.

Stopping to kick cans

and scare crows.

The crows just do their highwire act

on telephone poles

and wonder why I'm yelling and maybe what's wrong with me and we wish she would leave and why is she crying?

Twinge. Twinge. I cringe at the thought of it.

This pain of fear will always reside here.

Deep withing me I find no cure.

No way out I remain unsure.

Lost in the wooded dream,

Ou of desperation I scream.

Shout for help, in this labyrinth I fell.

What only time can tell?

If I can make it out alive,

If I can ever be revived.

But the pain shakes me,

Awakes me from this nightmare's dream.

The whisper of sin into my ear,

Ana is back again I fear.

The pain starts deep within.

Creeping gently into my stomach.

That shooting glitch of nerves,

All because I chose to starve again.

This unbearable pain, I can only cringe....

Twinge. Twinge. Twinge.

As white fades to gray, with time shades only darken

And soon charcoal and gunmetal are burned to black.

Laying in a sea of darkness,

A sense of calm consumes me

A sense of cool comes over me.

No regret to taunt me,

No feelings left to haunt me.

Death kindly guiding me to sure destruction,

Pain slowly numbing me from seduction.

Thank you Ana for showing me the light;

This bright white pure ray of fame,

This gleaming feeling of thin.

I've never been more tainted from within.

Don't take it away.

Please don't bring back the pain.

Black.

Black fading into this transparent dream,

My stomach is unraveling at the seams.

I've never been so gray.

I thought I had seen the way.

A way out, a way to sanity, a way to perfection in this reality.

This purity is insanity.

This cleanliness is anything but.

Can Ana save me again?

when you are sick of the excuses and covered in bruises,

when you are tired and always shaking

always aching,

when you are cold while they are so hot

when you wish you could just rot

when your eyes are heavy but you can't sleep

and your body feels so weak

when you succumb to the drugs

just to escape, just to be sane

just to make sure you won't eat or gain

when your body becomes an object

and your head doesn't even think straight

and your feet are dragging against the grain

and all you begin to care about are the bones

the looks

the feels

of being so skinny

of dying unreal

how can it be real

when you can't even remember

when you last ate dinner?

how can it be real

when nothing is your ideal?

and zero is the goal

the hero

how can it be real

when you don't even remember the feel

of being happy

or smiling

or thinking of something beyond yourself

how can this be real

when i am so fucking fake

always making sure my makeup is in place

always making sure my waist is small

always making sure i work out

and starve

always making sure i plan around my hits

always making sure my looks are deceiving

inside is decay

beauty is only skin deep

ugly is to the bone

and maybe if i lose a little more

they will all realize such is true

they will see my ugly bones

my nonexistant soul

and all the scars

i tried to hide

all the truths i kept inside

how will i cope then?

Angry at them for not understanding-

saying addiction is weak

well i say addiction is strength-

a regressive strength

because you are strong enough to endure

day after day

and you are strong enough to not end it all

in a real moment of real weakness

weak is giving in

to temptation

is my addiction temptation?

no, it is a necessity

i am more tempted to stop

than continue

but  i am weak for giving in,

that is what i call a binge

but i am strong for holding out,

that is what i call restriction

it's a paradox, an oxymoron

the greatest irony

because it is both strong

and weak

perception is the only way it divides

you and I

addiction should not be a disease, someone said

ignorant brain in that head

girl who never faced an addiction

maybe an occasional bong

maybe an occasional party

but never a full out a addiction-

does she even know anyone with one?

i asked

she said no.

there you go.

until then you will never know,

never understand

unless you go beyond and see

even if it isn't right next to thee

but it's across a street.

didn't you realize your neighbor was a crackhead?

the ignorance is annoying

troublesome

how dare you make that person an object

cant you see they hurt enough

maybe it was there fault originally, maybe they were pressured

or maybe they wanted another distraction from food

maybe they were desperate

but if you don't have an addiction

whether it be to the cuts, starvation, drugs, or liquids,

whether it be something else entirely

you have no right to say they deserve no sympathy

and those ones who tried to get better

recovery was bittersweet

tried so hard- held out so long- 'god save me now'

but gave in

though, if you looked in their eyes

how could you say such horrid things?

most hate his or her own self

most hate that he or she could not get better

most of the time, this only makes it worse

because then they believe "why does it matter? they all degrade me anyways, they all think I am weak"

coward

weak

weak

weak

if you were stronger you'd be healthier

don't you fucking think they know? don't you fucking think that this only makes it worse?

it does.

there was a reason for that moment

a reason for that pain

and until you see that

you will never understand that there is more than just an addiction

there is a Person.

flesh blood and bone

maybe thin and hollow

scarred and incoherent

but that is a person

with a story

maybe a disorder

maybe a nightmare

that is a person

beneath all that terror.

blame them not,

they already blame themselves

let them breathe

let them speak

let them grieve

let them cry

let them say all that they hide

and in turn,

maybe they will tell you

maybe they will tell you their story

their struggle

their journey

and maybe you will see that they are strong

maybe then

because they are a survivor,

especially those relapsers

they are not weak.

*in my modern issue class someone completely ran their mouth about this and i retorted. if you disagree then that's fine but i know many addicts, and have struggled with various kinds as well so this is my view*

This has been the last few months for me. My attempt to recover because my loving boyfriend who never cries actually cried when he told me how much it hurt to see what I was doing to myself. These have been some of the hardest months of my life and I'm still very underweight. I will not lie, I have no recovered, but I have improved slightly.

Please feel free to give me any feed back, good or bad, that you wish. I would like it to be the best it can be and I will not (I will try not to) take any of it personally

Hands shake as I reach for a blanket

Dinner sites untouched, growing cold

Body shrinks as I sip water: the cure

Mirrors covered in paper as black asthe sky

Words become interchangeable,

Twig and log are intertwined.

The two of us are interacting,

She'll always be inside.

Hands shake as I reach for a jacket

Dinner is thrown out, just like I wastold

Body balloons in front of the mirror

Mirrors show nothing but the darkness that's inside

Words become interchangeable,

Twig and log are intertwined.

The two of us are interacting,

She'll always be inside.

Hands caress my body, so bony

Dinner, through tears, is fed quiteboldly

Body becoming healthier, more pure

Yet mirrors cannot hide the lies

Words become no longer interchangeable,

Twig and log are no longer intertwined.

The two of us are no longerinteracting,

Yet she'll always be inside.

So I weighed myself this morning. 

107.

Fuck.

So I'm ABCing for a week. 

Then a weigh-in.

I hate my mother. All she does is barges into my room and bitches, on and on and on and on and on and on.

She always takes my step-father's side on EVERYTHING.

She doesn't even listen to what I say.

She doesn't notice anything anymore.

So I shut the door.

Then I look at all of these applications for private schools and elite-type shit.

So I get anxious.

And suddenly the room is too small.

And my heart can't beat fast enough.

And there's not enough air in the universe.

So I put it down.

Then I realize how much my bio teacher hates me, partnering me up  with my ex.

She knows he's my ex.

She knows it stings every time I have to email him about this stupid project.

How it burns whenever his crystal-blue eyes meet my own.

So I shake it off.

Then I realize that nothing,

Not any of this,

Would happen if I wasn't fat.

If I was skinny.

So I don't eat.

The storm. As always, I fight it alone. I cling, soaked and shivering, to the only thing keeping me afloat in these turbulent seas of disarray. My Slenderboat, my willpower. “Eat,” a million echoes seem to call from every direction. “Be normal, normal, normal…” The haunting words are loud enough, but they sound hazy and foreign over the pounding of my own skull. “Thin, thin, thin…” I can’t. I have to, but I can’t. I’m not comprehending anything anymore. The wind is howling, trying to toss me. It must sense I’d be easy to toss. “Thinner, always thinner.” All around me, whirlpools of temptation are churning, laughing, taunting me. They send my boat reeling in some flurry of fog and madness. Shaking fiercely from the cold, I tighten my grip around the scrawny mast of the Slenderboat. “Eat.” Deep-fried waves of control splash across the deck, threatening to knock me off my feeble stance. “Normal.” I cringe and hang my throbbing head. A weak gasp escapes my lungs when the boat makes a ghastly creaking sound. Can’t be much longer until it breaks, the rickety old thing. I need to get to shore, but I’m too numb to think, much less move. The cold. The chanting. Why do I keep listening? “Just one bite won’t hurt you…” Like I haven’t heard that before. It’s the kiss of death! “LIES!” I try to scream back, but who knows if any sound actually came out or not. Breathless, I grit my teeth to ease the pounding. More willpower. I feel dizzy and weak, but I can’t let go. I need more willpower. I can’t fall, can’t let them pull me under. If they do, I know I’ll sink straight to the bottom. Down, down, into the plus-size pits of self loathe. Why can’t they just let me be, right where I am? Where I’m happy? I know that’s a lie, but so is everything else these days. Screw them and their evil temptations. I’d rather be a hungry captain than a full prisoner any day... If only my lifeboat wasn’t also going to be my death.

Little hands, little feet

float along the street

skinny thighs, persistent lies

all used to disguise

her slow demise

Size double zero

becomes her hero

as her jeans fall to the floor

envious glares from the size fours

Not even the smallest hold her upright

fingers clenched so tight

bracing for the pain

it is the same day after day

It is not even about being the thinnest

only the best

the best at absolutely nothing

as nothing is all she is

Hollow to the core

her body is aching and sore

words are slurred and eyes red

surely she is dead.

so this poem is called Misread, i just wrote it tonight. it's mainy about my problems (and other people's problems in general) and how people misunderstand someone in pain. here it is:

"You think that I'm strong, how I handle the threats.

But you don't know my weakness--how ashamed that I get.

You think I'm courageous the way I walk on.

But you don't know my secrets, all the blood that I've drawn.

You think that I'm pretty, that my body's perfected.

But you don't know my fears, how much I've neglected.

You think that I'm organized, as neat as a pin.

 But I obsess with compulsion--deep down within.

You think that I'm happy with the smiles you see.

But you don't see my sadness, how depressed I can be.

You think that I'm normal because "all girl have problems".

But you don't understand--I don't know how to solve them.

You think that I'm laid back with the way I give in.

But I do what I'm told to avoid the chagrin.

You think that I'm trusting when I tell you my woes.

But I'm unable to trust. Not that anyone knows.

You think I'm satisfied with the life that I'm living.

But you don't know me at all--all the lies I've been giving."

that's it. hope you enjoyed it. i'm going to be posting another one tomorrow (i wrote it today, but i haven't finished yet). this is actually quite therapeutic for me, so if anyone has any requests, i'd love to have new ideas to write poems about. if you do, i would prefer them to be about general problems (i.e. ED related, self-harm, suicide, family/friend problems, or anything else you can think of). if no one has any requests, that's okay, i'll just sit here like a fool, thinking people actually want to read my poems.  but it's all good, no hard feelings. 

this is my fall from grace

my final mistake

i never wanted to die fake

because I always hid my thoughts

and closed my mouth

when I should have allowed myself to shout

i am going to work out again

but what does it matter anymore?

i will starve again tomorrow

but what does it matter anymore?

don't give up,

remember why you started

remember the goal

this disease has just taken its toll

i'll probably be here tomorrow

but i just wish i could go to sleep

and wake up flesh and bone

will i be real enough then?

this fat isn't real

an illusion

i should not weigh over 125 pounds

I should never have gained that much

i just couldn't stop

i am sorry i am so sorry i just couldn't stop

i couldn't control the binges now i must starve

and i'll starve until my body collapses because one bite and i'll go insane

no more bread for this girl

no more anything.

supplement supplement supplement

pill pill pill

smoke smoke smoke

toke toke toke

one day i am just going to choke

and collapse

at least the first time i had no idea, no cllue

i didn't care how slow it went, it was a process

i want it all now, all or nothing

i want skinny now, so i will cheat

cheater cheater cheater

i hate you.

i hate you so much.

why couldn't you have been like the others?

why couldn't you have..

why?

why why why why why

The calls stopped

the texting ceased

all of them realize I have deceased

My body decreased

and my mind wasted

skull and ribs are all that remain

It is not even fasting

not any form of religion

just me being stupid, me wanting to go away

I am disappearing

and I will never let them find me,

it's not like there would be much to see

The corpse as she stands erect

icy fingers grab a needle to inject

a little of this, a little of that

suck out all that fat

One bite makes her sick

stomach queasy, chest heaving

oh, she is seething

Oh, she is crying

I am right before your eyes

how dare you say I am quiet

I am screaming, I am screaming damn it!

how dare you say you never say it

how dare you say you never even noticed

how dare you say I was just fine

I've been dying, I've been dead for a long time.

How dare you call it an act, How dare you call it a phase

how dare you make me gain that fucking weight

how dare you ask me if I had breakfast

or dinner

well, I fucking skipped both

I will be thinner

I will be the thinnest this time,

that is no lie

because I am starving to starve

I feel nothing anymore

I don't even feel hungry, was that my stomach growling before?

I had felt nothing in my core.

What a life is this

such a painful death

maybe I'll score some meth

take me away farther than before

I fucking can't take this anymore.

When you look into the mirror

What do you see?

Everyday your goal is getting nearer

You think how happy you'll be.

All day long you hear voices in your head:

"getting better won't be easy"

You go one more day unfed

How much longer can you stand feeling queasy?

When will it be enough?

At what point can this all stop?

All you want is to do normal stuff,

To feel comfortable in a tank top.

Only in time can you hope to heal

& with lots of work manage to enjoy a meal

I will never be the same

distorted and maimed

another pawn in the game

The body is my enmity

a puppet full of pity-

this high is making me feel giddy

Mind ablaze

this is not just a phase

trapped in a daze, meaner than that black haze

It is all on fire

and I no longer desire

does this make me enlightened? buddha what says you?

I want nothing, no longer do I think I even need anything-

that is all I am-

nothing

An anorexic

bulimic

ednos prick

that is all I am-

a trick

a play of the cards

a roll of the die

I am everything you could ever despise

and if you were wise you would turn away

erase my face from that gaze

you won't even remember my name

it is better this way

as I am going anyway

and in every way

going insane

going blind

going mute

going paralyzed

going to die

do I dare even take another breath?

There is no coming back from this,

I know this for sure

even if I survive

I will never be the same,

as them

as I am

as I was

as I could have been

as I should have been

as I would have been.

Just like that,

Ana’s back

she’s come unannounced

with little baggage-

she always travels light

A welcome guest

Mia’s left,

left the house a mess

and Ana’s arrived just in time

for some Spring cleaning

She’ll teach you how to walk

in Beauty

teach the charms of Bones and Grace

how to hide your tears with smiles

replace your sweats with silk and lace

When morale is low

She’ll show you how

to feel a Rush

from Ribs and Air,

singng, dancing, never stopping

twirling your fingers in your hair

My dear Ana,

welcome home,

it’s been too long

Please don’t ever leave again

We’ll share a bed,

We’ll cry and laugh,

it’s better with you than alone

I’ll show you the town and

You’ll teach me how to live

with only the essential truths

Beauty above all

will be our mantra,

fingering our ribcage

shall be our Secret Code

So I raise my glass of Love and Hate

Ana, here´s to you, to us

and our Everlasting bond

my home is yours, whats mine is ours

Come now, my dear,

it´s always time for tea

Mile 0:

Curled, coiled in on myself.

 Clawing as her

gnawing words

 Eat at my emptiness,

pluck at the taut, twanging, tinny twine

that holds my pieces all together.

Coiled, burning,

Yearning to

Spring.

Mile 1:

There is power in this pushing

past the

premonition that I am

Powerless.

Pleading for her punishment.

 Mile 2:

Pounding,bounding,

bearing down on you.

 A  rabid beast, teeth bared,

a battle brewing in my breast.

I catch your scent (your sense).

This burning flesh, this bloodied fool:

Can't you see that it was all for you?

Mile 4:

The lengthy, lonely strides of

 Longing.

 Her susurrant voice surrounds with

 simple solutions.

Starve.

 Mile 6:

 I wonder:

Will I will her away?

A tiny sip of water to

wash away the sweaty, salty, sticky

anxious answer:

I've always wanted her to stay.

But I've found freedom in this fleeing,

flitting further from this flaccid form.

The fire falters.

I still keep warm.

Mile 10:

Swaying simply in this sweet surrender.

The wind is your caress,

fingertips tracing the cooling silence swelling in my chest.

Side to side, stride suspended in this sensual lullaby.

Transfixed,transfigured,

I unfurl myself –

Uncoiled

Stretched

I catch the wind so you can see

this scared,scarred, sacred part of me.

 Mile 12:

The heartbeat in my steps,

the breath caught in my breast

form bandages to wrap my wounds.

Bless this blood:

It was all for you.

My sinews stretch to seek your stare,

grasp your gaze,

this strange affair.

Eternity flows in the bitter sweat

running in rivulets

down my spine

(bones held together with the twanging twine

of hope:

 I'll be good enough this time).

The knots she tied, I've broken through.

These splintered bones,

they are all for you.

Mile 13:

Across that line

 I crash, crumple,

 crawl back to her feet.

 "Again."

 Her demand.

I am coiled,clawing

at her gnawing word: again.

Because bruised and blistered (battered, shattered, screaming as you stare right through me)

is just not good enough.

I am coiled, burning,

yearning to spring.

I will run forever. (Always in her shadow.)

I will run forever. (Always one breath behind.)

Just a small poem about the way I feel when I run.

Swallow my pride

but I will never force down anything

I despise

for I love that toothbrush

that callused finger

and that hot sauce

the vinegar-

to make my mouth burn

I refuse to consume that piece of chocolate cake

don't you know how many calories are in that?

and what about water?

is it really calorie free?

tea, too, i know it has more than

zero

coffee, i do believe, has about 5

20 in the large cups

or at least that is what i believe

when was the last time i ate a meal

and loved it?

when was the last time i saw an apple and not

80 calories?

and when was the last time I ate pasta

or even sat down with my family?

when was the last time I did not care?

I don't even remember.

what did I use to think?

boys? friends? teenage dramas? stories? fantasies? books?

when was the last book I actually read to read, and not to waste time-

just to avoid eating?

when was the last time I was an actual human being

and not some living corpse?

when was the last time I smiled for more than one minute

before I was reminded that I had to work out

for two hours

minimum?

when was the last time I dreamed,

for I swear I haven't dreamnt in years.

when ws the last time I had hope

or prayed

when was the last time I believed in something-

believed in myself?

I don't think I ever have or at least,

I don't remember.

when was the last time I told my mom I loved her

or dad I loved him

or even called my grandma, the one I used beg to go see?

when was the last time I thought of another?

I don't even remember.

They are counting on me

and I am letting them down

again

They are counting on me to succeed

and I am failing

again

They are counting on me to perservere

and I am giving up

again

Giving up on them

not on this dream

this silly dream I have.

They are counting on me to be strong

and I am afraid I am feeling so weak

weak

They are counting on me to live

but I am dying

again.

Silence breaking the dawn to pieces

Shattering my hopes in an instant

Innocence soiled from touch

Eyes drowning in sorrow, do I dare shed my first tear?

Blinded by fear my heart fails to beat

The chilling breeze eating away at my flesh

Oh Ana, what more can you take from me?

I am dying,

Pleading for perfection in this world so cold

I looked to you for guidence... but where am I now?

This life of fear

This life of hate

This life I wish you'd just take...

Take me

Break me.

I'll never be the same.

Leave me in the dust of your destruction.

The echo of your hurricane.

I'm rotting away in the breeze,

This defining silence killed me.