PrettyThin

I am never thin enough ever. I started in August last year at 168lbs and 5'5. I went on the Dukan Diet, a protien only diet and got to 139lbs. Then everyone told me to stop. So at Christmas I ate what I wanted, but I wanted to lose more so I went back on it, Now I am 135lbs and have started purging even tho I'm not binging. I am still not thin enough!! Nothing works. I try to starve, but I'm too weak and faint all the time. I purge until nothing comes out but it doesn't work! I've hit a plateau! what do I do!? I only eat protein and 0% Dairy, if that! 

I'm a quiverring wreck.

My mum's birthday dinner. expensive restaurant.

Starter - salad, dressing on the side. Main - tuna with vegetable - feeling wonderful, happy, normal, enjoying the food, not caring about the olive oil dressing, having 2 slices of bread.

Dessert menu comes. nothing appealing on it. order sorbet. mum glares at me 'is that all?'

ask the waiter if I could switch to the pineapple tart.

It comes.

sixe of my outstretched palm.

topped with coconut icecream.

pineapple slices steeped in maple syrup or something.

saturated in a vanilla sauce, surronded by chocolate syrup.

I just wanted to cry.

I ate it all.

Every last mouthful.

But they all noticed how much I was freaking out - so i might have well have not touched it.

FUCK. I CANT DO THIS.

It was so horrible.

And worse because my sister ordered chocolate cake - and this TINY little mouthful came out, surrounded by fruit.

I just wanted to screeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaam.

I did, into my pillow, when I got home.

I'm scared of myself tonight.

I want to reach down my throat and claw out my stomach.

I want my best friend back from canada to give me a hug and pretend she understands.

I want to go back to the moment of ordering dessert and get the same as my sister - then the night would have been lovely.

Does anyone understand this?

I feel like I'm not even a human being anymore.

Bad thing is I wanted to fast today but I had horrible cramps so bad I stayed home from school, I am bed written by my aunt but she went to the eye doctor so I got out of bed and ate something. I didn't want to but I honestly thought that if I didn't eat something I would die, like actual death my aunt would come home and find my dead body and I would have nothing. I'm feeling better now though, I mean I still have really bed craps but I just took 3 ibprofen which always helos me. Well thank you for reading my sorrows loveties.....I hope you all are having a lovely day.

So, this is my first journal entry here. I guess the best way to start off is to kind of introduce myself. I've been 'struggling' with an ED off and on since I was about 14. A lot of...difficult things happened early on, and I guess that this was how I dealt with them. Currently I'm a college student (English major, but I really want to take a few Physics courses) and am looking to transfer this Fall. I'm recently divorced, but my ex and are still on good terms (we're even housemates at the moment). I stress out quite a bit.
I'm an honor student.
I've played the piano for 16 years.
I fancy myself a writer.
I'm also very friendly, if a tad anti-social.
I've started fasting and restricting again. I'm tired of being fat. I feel disgusting and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I feel like everyday, I hate myself just a little bit more.
I feel like I'm just rambling now, so I'll wrap it up. If you want to get to know me, or have any questions, feel free to ask. I'm surprisingly open.
Lazuli

i feel so amazing. i haven't been this happy in many months - all just from fasting! i know it's only been a few days but i already feel happier and healthier. i have no desire for food,the smell of it disgusts me, and i've already lost 4 pounds! since yesterday!!!!!! i have so got this....the only challenge will be sunday- the superbowl. my mom always has a party so there will be a bunch of people at my house and a TON of food. i will probably just help cook and do a bunch of homework...have a plate of "half-eaten" food. yesterday's nausea continued today but not as bad. but it gives me the excuse of i don't feel well, i might be getting the flu, etc to not eat! also tomorrow my favorite teacher is coming into our class in the morning and bringing us donuts-that i used to always bug him about. so now i have to not eat them. thank god for nausea. well today i've had 16 calories in gum and mints and coffee...and burned over 375 calories!!! i've been drinking like 3 liters of water a day too. well, good luck to all you lovely ladies! remember: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!

I have been eating on and off for three years. I hated myself so badly I decided fasting would make me feel clean, whole and better. It worked, for a little while, then I went back to eating and hated myself even more. My poor mother, I miss her so much, she did not realise what I was doing and could not understand why I was doing what I was doing - and yet she was the only one who cared. I never thought I would be typing something like this and broadcasting like I am. Now my ex boyfriend has moved out and I am truly on my own for the first time now in a few years, I feel like a "new chapter" is about to begin.

I would like to fast again to feel my body and mind on edge in the hope it will make me feel better, so I can think about my late mother in the true way and grieve for her properly. I would like to fast again to feel the true guilt of what has happened, all the terrible things I have done, for saying sorry to my mother to late, for ending two lives growing with me, inside of me. Eating makes my body feel uncomfortable and full, my mind is unfocused and dull.

Emptiness makes life easier.

So, I'm new here, & came here out of curiosity. I've researched eating disorders through a psychological stand point, & have watched a lot of shows that deal with women who have eating disorders. I have also watched a friend struggle with VERY MILD anorexia & bulimia. I have wanted to self-destruct into these disorders before. I have wanted to do the things a lot of you are doing, but I can't. I just can't.

I'm 5'1", & last weighed myself about 2 months ago, maybe longer. I weighed 134.5lbs. I'm technically overweight now, but the strange thing is, I still feel no more motivation to get off my lazy ass than I did before. Exercise is a chore to me, & I WANT to do it 'cause I WANT to get back down to 110lbs, which I was in grade 9. However, I enjoy my computer & video games FAR too much. I am turning 22 near the end of this month.

I recently went from a 34D to a DD, just the last month or 2. I went from a C to a D in summer 2010. I worry that I will lose my breasts, or at least some of their current size, if I lose weight. I pride my large, natural breasts. However, I HATE my muffin top lovehandles. I wouldn't mind toning up my arms, either, as they jiggle when I wave.

I do NOT want to purge EVER. I can't STAND vomiting, even when I'm sick. CANNOT STAND IT. I'm also not looking for advice. I'm just looking to share my story & my thoughts as an outsider. See, I may have WANTED in the heat of the moment when I'm freaking out from what my mirror said to me, to head on down the self-destructive path of eating disorders, but I have never & WILL never do that to myself. It's too much work, & I know that it's just no good for me. I don't understand what you girls are going through, & I have no intention to go through what you're going through. I wish there was something I could do to STOP the pain you're going through.

My friend, we'll call her Meridian, has dabbled in both anorexia & bulimia. Her parents homeschooled her until high school & taught her to eat healthy & be athletic. I have NEVER in my life thought she was fat. In fact, I have ALWAYS thought her to be a rather healthy young woman. Her mother would often call her fat, FORCE her to diet, FORCE her to exercise, & also call her a bitch & a slut. She started purging in grade9-11. Somewhere around there. She told me about how she'd do it in the shower & push it down the drain so her parents wouldn't know. It got to the point where her parents started questioning her about taking 3 showers a day. She left for college last year for January. She STILL restricts her food intake to half a kiwi a day, sometimes. However, there have been times where she eats normally & doesn't purge, & just enjoys her life. She has a VERY MILD case, & I don't worry so much about her, but at the same time, I still wish she would take better care of herself. Her disorder stems from the mental abuse she's been subjected to her whole life. She still has very low esteem, & there were many times where I wished I could have been her mother instead because NO ONE deserves to be treated like that by their mother. NO ONE.

I get super depressed & hate myself SO much because of my body. I DO have some excess weight. However, I could EASILY change it. That's the stupid thing. I have a very high metabolism. If I were to exercise daily, just a walk 30-60 minutes, 20-50 situps, which is NOTHING to me, & 5-10 pushups a day, I could still continue to eat WHATEVER I want (mostly pasta, rice, soup, & JUNK), & be fit & fit into my clothes again, which I have outgrown & can't afford to replace, so I'm stuck in pjs 99% of the time.

I WANT to exercise, but I just don't have the motivation, & I don't look forward to exercising 'cause I don't find it FUN. I miss my belly dancing & hiphop dancing. Man, grade 9, when I was 110lbs, I had SO much energy. I had gym class, walked 30 minutes to school & 30 minutes home, ate all the time (I'm an over-eater), ate whatever I wanted (same crap I eat now), stayed up all night & only slept for 6 hours a night every other night (not on purpose), & on nights where I stayed up, I'd spend the night dancing in my room, or just doing straight situps. The one night, I did 14000 situps. It took me 6 hours, but that was FUN to me. (I've always liked situps.) My friends noticed the next day that I'd gotten a bit skinnier. It made me feel GREAT!!! However, I was also in hiphop dance classes, whcih were 30-45 minutes once a week. Now, NOTHING. I just sit around, & I don't even eat as much as I'd LIKE to 'cause we can't afford a lot. (Living on your own SUCKS.) I eat once or twice a day, but I often am SO into the computer that I put off eating until my stomach REALLY starts screaming at me, which is EXACTLY the case right now.

I don't avoid eating. I simply get really into something & wanna finish it & eat later. I LOVE food, & the longest I've gone without eating is 3 days. It wasn't because I fasted. It was because of depression. THAT is what I've struggled with, pretty much my whole life. Mental illness. I used to cut. I haven't cut in 5 years. I think.

I don't understand what it's like to have an eating disorder. What I DO understand is crying over being called fat, crying over what I see in the mirror. I think, as a woman, it's normal to feel like that. There's so much pressure on us to be super skinny, & most women & young girls don't know that the models in the magazines are fake. Their bones are photoshoped out to make them look smooth & perfect, to make being skinny look beautiful & natural. All of the imperfections are hidden with wigs, fake nails, photoshop, makeup, flippers. It's disgusting how much of a lie it all is, all to torture young girls & promote plastic surgery.

I have wanted a nose job. I have wanted lipo. I have wanted a boob job. I have wanted ass implants. (I have no ass, even though I'm overweight I STILL have no ass. It's disappointing.) I have hated so many things about myself just because of the pressure the media puts on us all to be a fake, unrealistic vision of perfection.

What I understand & can relate to with you all is the pressure I feel as a female to look a certain way, & how it makes me feel that I am NOT that way. I can understand the depression, frustration, desire, self-loathing. I can't understand, even though I have thought about it myself, WHY you girls & ladies do this to yourselves? I think the difference with me is that I was raised by a VERY strong, over-opinionated single mother, who taught me NEVER to bow down to ANYONE, LEAST of all a man. She taught me NEVER to change myself for someone else. She supported me in EVERYTHING I ever wanted to do. I think a lot of you didn't have that, & maybe some of you did, but it just didn't have the same effect on you. Whatever the case, I just can't bring myself to hurt myself that much because I can't find a reason WHY I would. None of the reasons I've wanted to lose weiht have been important enough to me to do that, & I mean, I got bullied SO bad as a kid when I went through the fat phase of puberty. SOOOOOO BAD. I got bullied enough when I WASN'T fat.

I don't consider myself a person who has much self esteem 'cause, to be honest, I second-guess myself ALL the time. I don't think I have that much self respect, either. However, the way things make sense to me, I just don't see the logic in anorexia & bulimia as effective weight loss strategies. I've seen just mere GLIMPSES of the pain & suffering & years of misery that it causes, & I have to say that it makes me frustrated that young women are doing this to themselves to fit in or to please someone else or even just because they think being skinny is the key to being happy. What the media has done to women is a disgusting shame, & it quite frankly PISSSES ME OFF!!! Though I am angry, I am not angry at you girls. I feel horrible for you all & all of the suffering & pain you have endured & are still enduring. I feel horrible, regardless of your reasons for starting on that path, & I wish I could find a way to eradicate every cause for these two diseases from existence.

For those of you suffering from these diseases who read this, I beg you to seek help & take your lives back. For those considering becoming anorexic/bulimic, PLEASE re-consider. Just ask a woman who has hit rock bottom from this what it's like. I guaruntee that she won't perpetuate the glamorous view the magazines have given you.

Hello lovies.

I'm back from my inpatient treatment, and I really do feel like I took care of some things I needed to. My head is in a better mindset than it's been in years, thank god, and I think it's because I'm finally compliant with my anti-psychotic meds. But I still have that ana voice in the back of my mind, so here I am. She just makes me stronger. And, of course, I missed all of you lovely ladies  I'll be joining some kind of fast or bootcamp today I'm sure, so you'll see me around the sight. I love you all, glad to be back.

xoxo

A.P.

I have worked so hard to overcome my struggles, they keep coming back, ever since I was 12 all I could think about was being skinny. I went on my first diet at 14, I lost 20 pounds and refused to eat, my mom threatened so I started eating. Later that year my parents started arguing alot and I didn't have any friends so I ate to fill the void, at teh time I used all my electives for p.e so I stayed the same siz until school ended then I gained 20 pounds. For a few years I was just one of those girls that said "o im going to lose weight, my diet starts tomorrow." Then one day it did, and I couldnt stop. With my parents still fighting, a new place to live, still not having any friends, I found so much comfort in losing weight. I lost 33 pounds until someone noticed. My mom and I got in a huge fight and she said I had to get up to 115, I said i would so she'd shut up and I did. But I loved my new weight, at 107 I felt comfortable, I was starting to like myself. But I gained weight and I still always wanted to lose more. Then I got pregnant. I was scared and hungry. It literally felt like I was going to die if I didnt eat, and that scared me, all i knew was starve myself, but I didnt want to hurt my baby so I ate and I ate alot. I gained alot of weight, 70 pounds, but I taught myself, it is just food, it isnt poison and it is not going to kill me> I was so convinced that I was free!  I was going to have my baby and lose this weight the healthy way, I was so huge I knew I would never look at myself as the "size 2 fatass" ever again because here I was 190 pounds I now knew what fat really was. I was so wrong, after my son was born all I wanted to do was starve myself get it off as fast as I could.  The weight wouldnt come off a 3 day fast turned into 5, to 7 til I'd eat a little, and hate myself.  Then I discovered the little pink pills in my medicine cabinet. Laxatives.  It sounded gross to me even then, but I had to do it, I had to get this food out of my system, I couldnt seem to make myself puke, and that would be suspicious at my house, this was perfect so I took them, everyday I ate I took them, big meals got 3 pills and small ones got 2.  Then I read about a girl having to get a poop bag because she took to many laxatives and I got freaked out, I had to over come this, I didnt want a freaking poop bag, I had to eat not eating left me boring and sluggish and my little boy deserved the best mom in the world.  I did ok, I started school again and I restricted alot, I finally got down to 116 and I was so happy.  It was only 4 pounds but I couldnt seem to drop it. Except I finished school and I cant find a job, I need one, I found myself stress eating and gained it back. I felt discusting, I couldnt stop eating So i went back to laxatives last week.  I couldnt help it, it only took one pill and i was hooked, then i took three the other night and I thought what am I doing??? I really dont want a poop bag, I need to stop, I need to not eat, so I stopped eating.  I was so excited I lost 2 pounds so quick.  Except my sister made me go to lunch today, I weighed myself and the 2 pounds are back.  I feel so gross, like and alien is in my stomach, I want to get rid of it, I want to take a laxative but I am trying so hard not to.  I want to get better, but I feel like i need to lose this last 10 pounds or so. I have to It haunts me, its all I can think about. I just want it gone so I have a chance to be normal. 

This has been the last few months for me. My attempt to recover because my loving boyfriend who never cries actually cried when he told me how much it hurt to see what I was doing to myself. These have been some of the hardest months of my life and I'm still very underweight. I will not lie, I have no recovered, but I have improved slightly.

Please feel free to give me any feed back, good or bad, that you wish. I would like it to be the best it can be and I will not (I will try not to) take any of it personally

Hands shake as I reach for a blanket

Dinner sites untouched, growing cold

Body shrinks as I sip water: the cure

Mirrors covered in paper as black asthe sky

Words become interchangeable,

Twig and log are intertwined.

The two of us are interacting,

She'll always be inside.

Hands shake as I reach for a jacket

Dinner is thrown out, just like I wastold

Body balloons in front of the mirror

Mirrors show nothing but the darkness that's inside

Words become interchangeable,

Twig and log are intertwined.

The two of us are interacting,

She'll always be inside.

Hands caress my body, so bony

Dinner, through tears, is fed quiteboldly

Body becoming healthier, more pure

Yet mirrors cannot hide the lies

Words become no longer interchangeable,

Twig and log are no longer intertwined.

The two of us are no longerinteracting,

Yet she'll always be inside.

I really wanted to finish this five day fast but I don't think I will, I honestly don't think that I can I passed out on my way back to my bedroom from the bathroom and you know what i am suprisingly ok with that. I know that a 5 day fast is a big challenge and I just jumped right in so for the rest of this week until Sunday the 11th I am going to eat at least 300 at most 600 calories. Usually I hate, HATE, HATE failing but I started my menstrual cycle and I know that if I continue with this fast something bad is going to happen..... I can just feel it I am on cloud 9 for completing a 3 day fast though.  Also my friends will be really happy to hear that I am eating and then they will think that I am done with Ana, it's perfect to set them off my trail. I am a very goal oriented person and I know that I normally would hate myself for not being able to finsh this but I am ok with it this time, next time though. (Attemping the five day fast again on the 12th)  I hope I can do it some day I wil be able to just not right now. There's always next time right?   Not gonna lie I am pretty proud of myself for knowing when I need to stop to keep my body going and I mean I did complete a 3 day fast which is a pretty incredible feat for my first try. 

Well, I know I just posted something but whatever that was sad and depressing, and this is happy. OK, I HAVE MADE IT TO DAY THREE. Can you beilive it? i made it to day three. I am so happy I feel so light I was walking around the house without a shirt on earlier and I know it might just be my imagination but still I feel skinnier. I swear to god that I am just so HAPPY. I can't explain the feeling it feels so good gfkvdsjogkjvhwjafojdvknm. I am so happy. I just feel so much better. I don't understand why but I just feel so happy and light, almost like I could float idk I'm weird. I really like it but there is a downside. I am really fatigued and I have had the shakes all day but I really hope they go away tomorrow I'm not sure. My fast ends on Saturday or Friday at midnight when it turns to Saturday.

We all know them, we all suffer from them.

I truly don't understand how some people can be so UNSENSITIVE!

Okay so for most of my life, and definately the present, I've been a very shy, secretive, and anti-social person. It's really hard for me to get close to people, or even interact with them. But lately, I've made a friend and I've really been trying to be friends with her!

It was actually going pretty well for the FIRST TIME in a very long time, and I was starting to be able to relax around her.

Then unfortunately for me, one time she decided to randomly come over and when she did I was in the middle of a really bad breakdown I was having.

I was sobbing, my leg was extremely cut up and bleeding (although I didn't let her see that) and things were, well, really bad.

So of course she comes in and asks what's wrong, and I just broke down and told her everything...

My ED, mental problems, depression, and really just about EVERYTHING

At first I thought it might be BETTER because for the first time in my life I actually told someone about my secrets.

Wanna know what she did? Here's basically how the dialogue went. (And I was UNSTABLE at that moment, I couldn't stop crying even when she came over)

She LAUGHED and said "Wow, I wish I could do that" (She is overweight btw)

I just looked at her with probably a dumb-founded look on my face "...What?"

"Well I mean, no wonder you're so skinny. It must be nice."

"NICE?! Did you just hear any word I just said?! What, do my mental problems seem nice too?"

-Another laugh here- "Being normal is overrated, I wish I could be like you."

I just couldn't talk anymore, I was too shocked by how she reacted. Then she left, and I was stuck so much worse than before.

Wow THANKS, I'm definately going to trust more people from now on!! (Sarcastic tone if you didn't notice.)

It's good to know that being a suicidal mental case is 'cool' now. >_>

I swear I don't understand people.

Even when I think I finally have a close friend I can trust, it turned out like this.

Maybe I'm just better being off alone.

I tried to let my friends know what I was doing. I tried to tell them that I WANT to do this. I tried to include them so they wouldn't have to worry about me. But they won't they just sit there and judge me...so I told them that I wasn't going to...I told them that after my fast I would stop dietingI would say goodbye to Ana. But no I'm not....I know that I'm not. I feel bad because I don't want them to worry but I guess I learned. I REALLY REALLY wanted to include them but they are trying to stop me and control my fucking life. Honestly, I AM GOING TO DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT IT'S MY FUCKING BODY. I know they aren't trying to be mean or cruel or rude or judgemental but I can't deal with it so I am just going to lie. I guess I have to lie to everyone. I have to hurt everyone I care about and do it with a smile so they don't know. I feel bad but it's my body and it doesn't look the way that I want it to and I will do whatever is necessary to get it the way that I want it.....  I just don't know what to do I guess that I have to just deal with it. And I will. 

it's only noon, but i've had another successful day! so far today i've had:

tea

cig

2 diet pills

centrum multivitamin

waterwater water water

and miracle noodles with mrs dash and paprika (0cals)

yay me!

oh but something bad did happen...we were running the mile in dance class today and before we even started i almost threw up like 5 times. fortunately theres nothing in my tummy to throw up, so no biggie. but it was wierd. so i went home early and had some wter and my miracle noodles.

good luck to all you ladies! you can do it!

so this poem is called Misread, i just wrote it tonight. it's mainy about my problems (and other people's problems in general) and how people misunderstand someone in pain. here it is:

"You think that I'm strong, how I handle the threats.

But you don't know my weakness--how ashamed that I get.

You think I'm courageous the way I walk on.

But you don't know my secrets, all the blood that I've drawn.

You think that I'm pretty, that my body's perfected.

But you don't know my fears, how much I've neglected.

You think that I'm organized, as neat as a pin.

 But I obsess with compulsion--deep down within.

You think that I'm happy with the smiles you see.

But you don't see my sadness, how depressed I can be.

You think that I'm normal because "all girl have problems".

But you don't understand--I don't know how to solve them.

You think that I'm laid back with the way I give in.

But I do what I'm told to avoid the chagrin.

You think that I'm trusting when I tell you my woes.

But I'm unable to trust. Not that anyone knows.

You think I'm satisfied with the life that I'm living.

But you don't know me at all--all the lies I've been giving."

that's it. hope you enjoyed it. i'm going to be posting another one tomorrow (i wrote it today, but i haven't finished yet). this is actually quite therapeutic for me, so if anyone has any requests, i'd love to have new ideas to write poems about. if you do, i would prefer them to be about general problems (i.e. ED related, self-harm, suicide, family/friend problems, or anything else you can think of). if no one has any requests, that's okay, i'll just sit here like a fool, thinking people actually want to read my poems.  but it's all good, no hard feelings. 

I've always told myself: "It's a new month, i'm definitely going to lose weight!"! I can tell myself the same thing this month, but it only makes me more depressed because it will never happen.

My mother said something to me earlier while my sister was visiting,  *She's 21, 5.0ft, 42kilos (92 pounds)*

"You're sister had your underwear Louise, though i don't know why she had it because it would have kept falling to her ankles!" 

I don't think my mother realised this but that really hurt, but in a strange way, i'm thankful she said it. I didn't eat for the next 3 days.

School is drawing closer and closer, only 4 days left of freedom and happiness left until i'm forced to sit in a room with 26 other students and their hurtful comments. It annoys me how my friends would talk about how they're almost hitting 50kilos and that they're so fat. 

If they think they're fat, i don't want to know what they think about me. I guess all i can do when they talk about weight is sit there and quietly drift into the shadows in hope that no one sees the depression in my eyes.

Even though i say the same thing of the beginning of every month, i know i may be able to finally lose weight with the comments replaying in my head, over and over like a scratched record.

God all my parents do is bitch. I had almost straight A's but that's not good enough. I go to dance almost everyday, that's not good enough.  I try.  not good enough.  Never good enough.  To stressed to eat.