PrettyThin

i hate being bullied. i want to kill myself.

Fri, 18 May 2012 04:40:00 +0000

but my life overall is great: i have the best parents, i do good in school, i've been completely sober for almost a year, and when i'm not thinking about food, weight, or b/p, i am happy. however, there are days when all i want to do is take a knife and slit the most visible vein in my wrist right open and bleed out. today was one of those days. first, my best friend keeps talking to me like i'm stupid. and not to be rude (i'm honestly not trying to be rude, i love her most of the time with all my heart), but between the two of us, i am the smart one. and i hate when she treats and talks to me like i'm mentally handicapped, because i'm not, and not only does it piss me off when she talks to me like i am a fucking child, it hurts. a guy who i am (apparently 'was', now) good friends with called me a bitch, in front of my whole class. my teacher did nothing. when i told my friend zack, he heard me saying that when he said that, i was on the verge of tears, and started talking shit. about me. in front of my face. HELLO! that's not how you treat females. i never did anything to make you so poisonous towards me. so i sat outside and thought about it, thought about how i did nothing wrong, and i started crying. and my best friend that had JUST talked to me like i was a child says "don't worry about it, he's a nigger." and proceeded to make fun of him. like...........are you kidding? racism is not funny, it's not something to joke about, and it doesn't make you look cool or intelligent. and, let me just tell you, that same friend, told our friend kaitlin that i said her boyfriend was cheating on her because i saw him with a girl, and i log onto facebook, and kaitlin messaged me bitching her head off about how i'm a cunt etc. how does that make sense? i just told my friend that i saw k's boyfriend walking, and he was with some girl. didn't try and insinuate that he was cheating, didn't even care that he was with a girl. just wanted to tell her. the only good thing that happened today was that i ate less than 500cals, and drank a LOT of diet cola to keep me awake and energized, and........it worked! i'm so proud of myself and my body for keeping me awake and in a good mood today. although i did have the thought to b&p, i didn't, just drank more diet cola.

fuck this. i hope i sleep and never wake up, ever fucking again. if i have to go to school tomorrow i'll bring my razor and threaten to slit my throat if anyone tries to be mean to me. i fucking hate being bullied. one day someone will go too far, say too much, or hit a soft spot, and i'll kill myself. that day might want to hurry up.

but, i'm going to sleep now. goodnight, girls.

i feel good.

Fri, 18 May 2012 04:00:00 +0000

I've been binge free for 2 days going on 3 and I feel so powerful. My mom baked a cake last night and I have cutting pieces out and throwing them away. Doing little things like this make me feel in control and stronger. My mentality has completly changed, I'm sure y'all know the voice of ana, I've been listening to her more, doing what she tells me. And I feel so amazing. Powerful. In control and succeeding. People keep asking me what's wrong, I've been a zombie at school due to me having no energy or super high spirits. But so far no comments on the weight loss of lack of eating. Today wil be yet another great day for me and I hope it is for you beautiful people. Stay strong, stay beautiful and stay thin.

back to 100...

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:40:00 +0000

Ive been doing so well this week trying to stay under 100 lbs, ive only been eating around 150 calories a day just to be safe, and i was 98.7 on wednesday night and now im back up to 100.2! I honestly have no idea where this extra weight comes from when im only eating lettuce and cucumbers with lemon juice every day... today was just such a disappointment after i got my hopes up about staying in the double digits. For the rest of the week, im going to eat under 150 cals and try to burn around 1000 cals from running on the tread mill or something.. this might be difficult but im desperate!

Change

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:15:00 +0000

I am feeling so fed up with myself I am tired of being so FAT! I ate a slice of bread today and ran straight upstairs to be sick I can't seem to lose weight but I want to! No matter how much i dont eat or how if i ever do manage a slice of bread i have to go be sick so i dont feel like i am letting myself down by accepting a calorie i want to be thin I need to I will if it kills me!! Sometimes it isn't just about me liking me it's about other people I see the way boys look at my friends and I feel left out like I am the fat pig in the back trying not to be noticed I hate myself I need to change drastically!

bad day overall

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:15:00 +0000

idk todays just been really shitty overall..only good thing is i didnt eat a lot..i mustve had about..200 or so calories? maybe 250..i burned 850 on the treadmill..

but everything else has been shitty! the kid i like, we were texting earlier today, and then he didnt answer me..i thought he was really feeling me..granted hes done this a few times before and then will text me later on but idk its been like 7 hrs since i answered him..i know hes moving in to a new place and shit but idk..whatever idc (total lies i totally do care) and also my skins been like shit lately and im so fucking tired. fuck my life. whatever.

So basically, I'm a weirdo

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:10:00 +0000

So. It’s been 4 days since I last binged, and so, consequently, 4 days since I last purged.

To be completely honest here, this is largely because I’ve been restricting to 800 or 900 calories a day, which I know isn’t enough, but is much better than the alternative. Seems a good balance for me, though, mentally if not physically.

Furthering the honesty thing here, this isn’t some balance I worked hard to find or forced myself to try. I’m an assistant language teacher, and so I eat school lunch with the students.

School lunch is usually around 700 or 800 calories. Yeah… too much at once, but that’s all I’ve been eating for the past 4 days (the extra 100 calories come from my morning coffee, so I’m not a total zombie from the lack of breakfast or dinner – wish I could do it black, but I can’t stand it).

But anyhow. I’m not sure if the fact I haven’t been B/Ping is because my current calorie intake is a good balance between not feeling like so much in one day that I have to throw it up, but not so little that it sets my body off on a feeding frenzy, or if it’s because of… haha, this is really stupid, but.

I’ve had this sticker system thing this week. Where if I don’t eat in the morning, I get a sticker and if I don’t eat at night, I get a sticker. If I get two stickers a day, I get to go clothes/makeup/accessory shopping. It’s like I’m 5 again, except I’m giving the stickers and rewards to myself. It seems bizarre that it’s working. It’s probably as much the fact that I don’t want to see a square with a missing sticker as it is the reward system, though. It would drive me mental if the pattern was thrown off (hate things being uneven).

I know I shouldn’t be rewarding myself for under-eating, but when the alternative is throwing up… I find this preferable.

Unfortunately I have 3 parties (one is tonight, and one of the ones on Sunday is a dessert party…), a dinner with friends on Saturday, and am staying over at the house of a friend who loves to eat this weekend. So I’m basically screwed for the next 2 and a half days. Come Monday, though, I shall resume this practice. Except from next week I will try to regulate my shopping a bit more, because damn can I shop.

Has to be an ED

Thu, 17 May 2012 22:30:00 +0000

The kid in my class, I've been thinking he has an ED also. Because I've never seen him eat, he only drink pepsi zero,
And today his hands were shaking all day. He looked miserable...like me.
He left class early announcing to the class that "time to go eat some lunch"

When in reality both chain smoked through lunch, and they had a cook out in the smoking area
(it was free food so, it can't be because he doesn't have money). I noticed him looking over at the food several times
or Maybe I kept looking over at it. I was eyeing some chips. And it smelt so good. But i didn't have anything.
Except a half a protein bar before my 3pm class.

We also ended up talking about food cravings, after we talked about both our sisters who have moved out, but come home and eat all the food in the house.
I was thinking "Oh i don't mind because i don't eat anyway" lol but not something i would say aloud.
But he went on to tell me that he had a craving for pizza rolls, and bought a huge bag, and his sister came home and eat the whole bag.
The look on his face when he told me this, he was mad, like more mad than normal people get about food.
Like I just feel like he has to have an ED, obviously not going to ask him because it's very possible he has a fast metabolism.

Atleast we have something in common, it's nice to have a friend again.

Also I binged on half a french dip and chocolate cake for dinner, for my dad birthday.
I hate how i feel right now. I want to work out, I'm just too depressed.
I've gotten my period but it's extremely light. I finally got to weigh myself this week, was a half pound from 89lb,
don't really care anymore. i don't have a goal anymore, I just want to die.
But I enjoy school.

Cold shower.

Thu, 17 May 2012 21:00:00 +0000

At times, I'll go to the bathroom in our apartment, take my clothes off, turn the shower on, and sit on the side, and just cry.

I think about how bitter I've been to my room mates, how uncontrollable I get with my food, how I haven't seen my father since I was 6 years old and wonder if he went through the same episodes when he was young, and that this isn't just misfortune, and that this is indeed genetics. I think about all my ideas, the projects I want to pursue, and how I have the potential to really focus and DO have the ability to take it all into action.

And the only thing really in the way is just me... and every other single person in the world who gives me unnecessary, copious amounts of shit.

You're breaking my balls man, I'm gonna have to cut you off.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you really didn't have the spirit in the first place to actually want to help me, but to just make it clear I'm an idiot and I need to suck it up. There's no point in telling you this, as much as there's no point in trying to make a calf drink water from the stream when it doesn't want to. Fuck you and your balls, you gender role conscious prick.

The only things that make me happy right now are Pandora, Caffeine, and Cereal with peanut butter. Sleep would too, but not much sleep gets done when you have to sleep in the living room with an animal that isn't yours and everyone else stays up late and keeps going to the restroom or kitchen and constantly wake you up. Remind me again what privacy is please. I forgot.

Oh that's right. It's a cold shower.

Alone. Hungry. Fat.

Thu, 17 May 2012 21:00:00 +0000

Today is just one of those days where no matter what I wear, how much make up I put on, or how many times somebody compliments me, I feel fat and ugly. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being this way. I'm tired of high school...One week left. I'm just tired. I come home, eat, and then sleep. It's awful. Most of the time I never eat breakfast of dinner. Just a little something when I get home from school.

I just want to feel beautiful. I want to be loved by somebody. I think I actually might be falling for my best friend... Which would suck because I'm leaving for college in August, and I don't want to be heart broken..

The only release i find is music and painting. But..I tried out for a solo yesderday and had a panic attack..Needless to say I didn't get it. I tried to paint in Art today..But the teacher wouldn't let me do oil on canvas..which is my absolute favorite medium. I need a job so I can buy my own set or something. I'm just rambling now, so I think I'm going to stop now.

I love you all, hope you're having a better week than I am.

Breakfast- Water

Lunch-Pop Tart

Dinner-Water

Normal? Hah, even the word sounds strange.

Thu, 17 May 2012 20:55:00 +0000

The feeling of hunger is lovely. Maybe you don't agree, maybe you do. Either way, everyone knows that feeling. You are dizzy, you are weak, you are wasting away. Yet you feel strong, empowered. You've finally accomplished something, yeah?

Well, I catch myself, at times, wishing I was normal, just like everybody else. I wish, at times, that I could eat and not worry about every single bite I put into my mouth. I wish I could eat an apple the way other people do, just taking a bite right out of it. As opposed to cutting it into slices, then into slivers, then into chunks, yeah? I wonder what it'd be like to not dissect a fat-free mini muffin before eating it. I wish I could just eat healthily, exercise, and be happy with myself.

Then, I look at whatever food item I have in my head and remember what Cassie says, "You musn't eat it," and set it back down (just so, "arranging it") and walk away. Knowing I'll never be happy with myself if I eat.

Anyone else feel like this at times? Or is the fat girl inside of me just trying to talk me into binging, eh? Stay lovely, PT!

So on account of my poor eating habits this past week (TMI)

Thu, 17 May 2012 20:10:00 +0000

I was not feeling very well this morning and new that I needed to eat something so i tried water melon and that didn't help so i tried a slice of toast and I was going to leave it at that. about 20 min later my dad wants to go get subway and i got a 6in veggie delight and then got a starbucks coffee frappuccino.. my body is regecting this and I'll just say its not coming back out of my mouth.. sorry that was too much information.. but does this happen to any one else? I feel like it has been happening to me a lot even if i just eat a ton of fruit or veggies my body acts as a natural laxative within about 30 mins and it will be sometimes 2-3 times after I have recently eaten. it typically doesn't happen if I stay under 200 calories and thats only fruit or veggies but anything else, my body does not agree with. I wonder if my body is absorbing all the calories if its coming out so fast.. hmmmm

Got a new scale

Thu, 17 May 2012 19:50:00 +0000

well.. it's not actually mine I'm sure my mom got it for herself, but I stole it off the kitchen table and it's in my bathroom now and so far she hasn't said anything about it. Cross your fingers she wont make me give it back.

That feeling you get

Thu, 17 May 2012 17:15:00 +0000

when you have only been eating less than 200 calories worth of fruit every 24 hours for 4 days. Its like your going to fall over and your shaking so much all you can do is get in the shower and stand there and hope for it to calm down. when your heart is racing and you can't find the strength to stand up right or to even get dressed. My head is just a dull pulsing ache and my muscles feel like they have been hit by a train. How can I help this go away or make it so its not so extreme and noticable? I am about to go see my dad and haven't seen him in a month. I don't want him to see me like this.

I want to leave and I can but should I?

Thu, 17 May 2012 17:05:00 +0000

Okay so the deal is my mom, my dad, my sister and I used to live in Washington. My parents got divorced, my dad remarried, I have a half brother, and then they got divorced again. Anyway my mom is in the miltary and my sister, my mom and I got transferred to NYC. So thats where we live now and my dad and brother are still in WA.

Okay I hate it here. No NYC entierlly, but I hate Staten Island and I hate my school, and I've expressed to my mom about this but she won't listen she won't move us. This summer I'm going to visit my dad and to be honest if I wanted to stay with him I could. But should I? If I leave my sister will leave and my mom will be here alone. but then again she is a grown woman. But she bought us a dog and if I leave she'll be stuck with taking care fi the puppy alone. I could just ask her if we can PLEASE move, I do love it here just not here here. /sigh/ ....I just...I don't know what I'm going to do.

chair

Thu, 17 May 2012 15:25:00 +0000

take a seat upon the chair

in the room of pure despair

hear the echo of your breathe

the world is gone and you are left

did you ever get the memo

so afraid you couldnt let go

now you wound up all alone

scared to move your broken bones

hear the walls they creak and crumble

all your life your left to stumble

never perfect never there

overlooked although they stare

its so silly and so stupid

did you think they would know

that alone you would end up

did they even pick up the phone

now a noose hangs from the ceiling

but your weight cant kick a chair

your to weak to stand up to it

so you gaze upon its stare

you long to reach for help

but theres not a window nor a door

just a mindless point of light

to gaze upon your shadows sight

seek to find its source

but there isnt one to see

forever left alone

in this torment that is me

efsg

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:30:00 +0000

I'm done.

I'm done with

Fighting my eating disorder,

Fighting being stuck with me,

My past,

Knowing i have a future,

Dragging myself out of bed each day,

Counting Calories,

All day on the scale, off the scale,

Head down the toilet.

Fuck you.

Fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU

YOU WIN.

Please never give up on recovery, fucking beat this. BEAT THIS. PLEASE.

worthless

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:15:00 +0000

who the fuck cares? who the fuck REALLY cares?

not a fucking person, and you know it deep down inside. you've proven to be nothing but a burden to anyone - you're the girl people use and then dump by the wayside because they know you can take advantage of her kindness. I'm the girl guys just want to fuck; just because you want to conquer a redhead and then when she doesn't fuck you, you appeal to her emotional side, let her get attached, and then say you don't want a relationship because of point a, b, or c. then you just ignore her altogether. I'm the girl you take advantage of because she has a heart, I'm the girl you ignore crying on her porch because everyone in her world abandons her when she needs you.

when the fuck did i become such a burden to this world? I mean, really? when did this happen? when did I become so alone, and when did I lose everyone? really it just has to be me; after nearly 27 years of people coming and going, no one ever stays for the long haul and they all just walk away when I need them most. what the fuck did I ever do to deserve that? huh? when did I become such a horrible person? I don't understand this. I really don't. just when I think life can't get any motherfucking worse, oh no, the world has to knock me down even further off my arrogant fucking pedestal, because that's evidently what I am - a selfish, horrible, arrogant little bitch. if I can't serve someone's immediately tangible need, I'm fucking useless I guess.

why,, WHY can I not have ONE day where someone just.....even PRETENDS to be my friend in the real world and I let it happen without being terrified of some ulterior motive? why can I not have ONE day where I can be given hope for my future? instead I sit in my bed every night just praying for the will to take more pills. just one more. just two more. who the fuck cares, take the whole damn bottle. end this charade that you matter to this world.

I have never felt such a rage for that fucking creature in the mirror. It has to be my fucking fault. No, it is. it is. i deserve this.

the day before my final exam.

Thu, 17 May 2012 12:45:00 +0000

Tomorrow is my last uni exam ever- I am clearly procrastinating.

I don't understand me though. I spent all day yesterday purging (I didn't binge but purged what I ate), the 2 days before that I ate less than 600 cals and on Sunday I did a 10K.. I weigh the same as I did on Sunday. I wanted to lose 1.5lbs. Not even an unrealistic target. I wanted to go to my last exam and be able to enjoy drinks afterwards. I won't enjoy them now.

5 years of uni= 6 years of eating issues. fuck, that's depressing!

will it stop? & will I ever be thin and happy? probably not.

If only I was as light as a feather, that would be just lovely.

Survey <3

Thu, 17 May 2012 12:35:00 +0000

Dress Size: 10 (UK)
Highest Weight: 150 (ish)
Lowest Weight : 107lbs
Current Weight : Not weighed myself in months?
Goal Weight: 110

Favorite Diet Food: Grapes, Peas

Favorite Binge Food: Chocolate

Favorite Exercise: Swimming, yoga, walking, areobics classes

Favorite Thinspo? Real girl thinspo

Where Do You Slip Up? When I'm bored
When Did It Start? Just before i turned 16

Does Anyone Know?
Yes

Do You Want Help?
Recieved help, no longer getting help

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
I aim to fast most days, but im comfortable with anything less than 1000 - usually around 500

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
A whale

Are You In A Relationship?
Yes

Are You Depressed?
Previously on anti-depressents, but not anymore!

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
No.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
Yes.

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving myself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[xxxxxxxxx] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color

[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses.
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills/it is hard to swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm..slater self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[I used to] I weigh myself daily

I
[] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[] I've taken diet pills
[x]I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[] I exercise to counteract eating
[x]I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[] I collect thinspo

Over-ate. :(

Thu, 17 May 2012 11:00:00 +0000

Luckily it wasn't by very much and my weekly weigh-in is in three days time so I'll just eat slightly less for the next two days. The worst part is the guilt, though, which because of this I'll be feeling for the next two days :/ I still have to do an extra 15 mins of walking or 9 mins of dancing to make up for my laziness yesterday. Hopefully the guilt will keep me in check. Lately all I have to do is think about the guilt I'd feel to get me up and moving (except yesterday because I was supposed to go for a walk. I've now come to terms with the fact that that's never going to happen, so I'll have to dance on Wed & Fri afternoons instead), so hopefully that will also work for eating slightly less for two days. Hopefully I should have lost a healthy pound by Sunday morning.

Anyway I must sleep. Goodnight world! x__x