PrettyThin

I never could really understand y poeple cut themselves. I suppose becuase they wanted to know if they were really alive but I finally can understand. I know that im alive. I've never cut myself. But I feel like i keep letting myself down over and over again. Nearly everyday I start the day off really good maybe for a few days and then POOF. Im back to eating. What I'm going to do is gently carve "you" on my wrist. To remind myself everyday that It's for me. I have to do something with myself. I've quit everything since i was little. Never stuck to anything. Swim team, dance, volleyball, yoga, horseback riding, dance again, etc. I'd start and realize I'm not the best at it and idk maybe it was becuase I just felt i wasnt good enough or pretty enough to be the best at it. If i messed up spiking a ball while playing volleyball I'd get so embaressed and then i just kept messing up becuase i felt as if would happen again and again. I have to pull myself together. i want to stop eating completetly until i reach my goal just to prove to myself that i can stick to something. i've never had that feeling of overall accomplishment. All the time i make lists. ALL THE TIME. (i'm a perfectionist) I make lists such as brush teeth twice a day, exersize, dont eat, drink water, lots of chapstick, latise. i want to be the perfect me. If i mess up with exercising the whole plan falls apart. if i fail at one thing i fail all of my work. I just need to realise im not perfect nor ever will be. i can feel perfect but without a skinny body, its not possilbe... starting tomorrow. the LAST and FINAL time EVER to start over. Im going to make this happen. school starts at 7:30 takes me an hour and a half to get ready. one hour to workout. and half an hr approx to blow dry hair/shower. sooo that leaves me at ehh 4: 00 ish? which is 8hours of sleep. maybe... i got to do hw real quick. /: eh