PrettyThin

I have worked so hard to overcome my struggles, they keep coming back, ever since I was 12 all I could think about was being skinny. I went on my first diet at 14, I lost 20 pounds and refused to eat, my mom threatened so I started eating. Later that year my parents started arguing alot and I didn't have any friends so I ate to fill the void, at teh time I used all my electives for p.e so I stayed the same siz until school ended then I gained 20 pounds. For a few years I was just one of those girls that said "o im going to lose weight, my diet starts tomorrow." Then one day it did, and I couldnt stop. With my parents still fighting, a new place to live, still not having any friends, I found so much comfort in losing weight. I lost 33 pounds until someone noticed. My mom and I got in a huge fight and she said I had to get up to 115, I said i would so she'd shut up and I did. But I loved my new weight, at 107 I felt comfortable, I was starting to like myself. But I gained weight and I still always wanted to lose more. Then I got pregnant. I was scared and hungry. It literally felt like I was going to die if I didnt eat, and that scared me, all i knew was starve myself, but I didnt want to hurt my baby so I ate and I ate alot. I gained alot of weight, 70 pounds, but I taught myself, it is just food, it isnt poison and it is not going to kill me> I was so convinced that I was free!  I was going to have my baby and lose this weight the healthy way, I was so huge I knew I would never look at myself as the "size 2 fatass" ever again because here I was 190 pounds I now knew what fat really was. I was so wrong, after my son was born all I wanted to do was starve myself get it off as fast as I could.  The weight wouldnt come off a 3 day fast turned into 5, to 7 til I'd eat a little, and hate myself.  Then I discovered the little pink pills in my medicine cabinet. Laxatives.  It sounded gross to me even then, but I had to do it, I had to get this food out of my system, I couldnt seem to make myself puke, and that would be suspicious at my house, this was perfect so I took them, everyday I ate I took them, big meals got 3 pills and small ones got 2.  Then I read about a girl having to get a poop bag because she took to many laxatives and I got freaked out, I had to over come this, I didnt want a freaking poop bag, I had to eat not eating left me boring and sluggish and my little boy deserved the best mom in the world.  I did ok, I started school again and I restricted alot, I finally got down to 116 and I was so happy.  It was only 4 pounds but I couldnt seem to drop it. Except I finished school and I cant find a job, I need one, I found myself stress eating and gained it back. I felt discusting, I couldnt stop eating So i went back to laxatives last week.  I couldnt help it, it only took one pill and i was hooked, then i took three the other night and I thought what am I doing??? I really dont want a poop bag, I need to stop, I need to not eat, so I stopped eating.  I was so excited I lost 2 pounds so quick.  Except my sister made me go to lunch today, I weighed myself and the 2 pounds are back.  I feel so gross, like and alien is in my stomach, I want to get rid of it, I want to take a laxative but I am trying so hard not to.  I want to get better, but I feel like i need to lose this last 10 pounds or so. I have to It haunts me, its all I can think about. I just want it gone so I have a chance to be normal.