PrettyThin

I have been eating on and off for three years. I hated myself so badly I decided fasting would make me feel clean, whole and better. It worked, for a little while, then I went back to eating and hated myself even more. My poor mother, I miss her so much, she did not realise what I was doing and could not understand why I was doing what I was doing - and yet she was the only one who cared. I never thought I would be typing something like this and broadcasting like I am. Now my ex boyfriend has moved out and I am truly on my own for the first time now in a few years, I feel like a "new chapter" is about to begin.

I would like to fast again to feel my body and mind on edge in the hope it will make me feel better, so I can think about my late mother in the true way and grieve for her properly. I would like to fast again to feel the true guilt of what has happened, all the terrible things I have done, for saying sorry to my mother to late, for ending two lives growing with me, inside of me. Eating makes my body feel uncomfortable and full, my mind is unfocused and dull.

Emptiness makes life easier.