PrettyThin

I started seeing her last semester. She was young, but not too young. Maybe early forties, so about twice my age. Tall, thin, blonde, big doe-eyes, and a smile that breaks your heart.

It took me a while to warm up to her, as it would for anyone, but from that moment on, she became one of the most important people in my life. I was more honest, more myself, and more focused with her than I was anywhere else. She was the only person with whom I could speak my mind without second-guessing myself, or worrying about it coming out wrong.

And when she looked at me, it was like she could truly feel, truly understand where I was coming from.

And then, literally out of nowhere, she ended our therapy. Abruptly. Over Skype.

She told me it was because she was afraid she didn't have the skills to help me. She'd consulted my case with a committee of her peers, and they all agreed. I told her I thought she was speaking bullshit. But she couldn't give me a better reason. Most of the time she was speechless while I shouted at her.

I saw her four more times after that news, and during all four sessions not only were the tears streaming down my face--they were streaming down hers too. At one point she nearly lost it, and she said to me "We really cared for each other, didn't we?"

During our last session, she hesitated before saying to me, "I think that as much as I understood you, you understood me too." We locked eyes for a really long time, and I wanted so badly to hug her and never let go.

I've just started seeing someone new now, but it's only been a few days since the resolution of all this. I don't know how to get past it. I love her so much, I trust her more than anyone, and it's almost like that's the reason why I can't see her. I feel ripped apart.

It almost hurts more to know that it hurt her too.

Or maybe she was faking, I don't know.