PrettyThin

Today is the shittiest day of existance. It's pouring down raining. I haven't gotten out of my pajamas and I probably won't. I don't know what to make of my life right now. I joined a gym a couple of days ago. Since two weeks have gone by I've lost 9 pounds, which is a decent amount of weight to lose I suppose. I could have lost a lot more though, I think. I'm suffering with borderline personality disorder, dysthymia, and major depression. After 8 years of seeing my psychiatrist he finally decided to tell me my diagnoses. Why now? I don't know. Maybe he felt I could handle it. But it just raises more questions for me. I'm in this neverending cycle of self-sabatoge and I don't know how to get out of it. Or if I even want to get out of it. It's sad to think that I refuse to let myself be happy. If I'm happy in a relationship, I do something to fuck it up. Even a friendship. I do whatever it takes to make somebody hate me. Even dispicable things. Why am I so afraid to be happy and to let somebody love me? I wonder if my life will always be this way, or if it will ever change. These are the thoughts that plague my mind.