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Defeated

Posted by lilia at 11:04 AM on February 06, 2010

I feel defeated

I feel like my world is compeletly crashing around me. Why doesnt anyone else get it? Why cant they understand that ana is not a choice for me, and that its not something thats up to them to fix.

I just dont understand how everything can go from being so perfect to being so screwed up in such a short amount of time.

I was beautiful, I was so close to being 80 pounds....so close to perfect.

But now Im here. At 95 pounds and feeling defeated.

I was so happy with myself, with everything that I was.

I was strong, i was confident, i was thin.

But they all ganged up on me and sent me to a rehab facility...aka hell in my book

They forced me to eat. Everyday I sat there and cried because it was torture.

But now Im finally out, but not entirely.

Now they all watch me. They watch my every move. Trying to see if Im eating, if im "slipping back into my habit"

This isnt a habit. This isnt something I want. This is just who I am. Why cant they understand that?

 

I just feel so defeated

 

Categories: Beauty, Poetry, Random Thoughts

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4 Comments

Reply organicmechanic
12:10 PM on February 06, 2010
I totally get it. Everyone watches me too and I never even got the chance to be thin before the force feeding began. You're still thin though. You're still beautiful. If you even out at 110 you have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not sure how tall you either. Just eat as healthy as possible. Like raw veggies, your body makes better use of those calories so they're easier to burn off so you can eat and then like run a bunch or take a bike ride and everyone is happy you know? People ganging up on you just means they care which is a great thing. But its hard to make anyone understand what it all means.
Reply FelictiyAnn88
12:32 PM on February 06, 2010
i know how you feel, darling. they watch me, too. it sucks. it really does. i know. but you are still in thr double digits! something i longed for. and when i finally got there (mid to high 90s), they plumped me back up again and now i'm at 105 lbs. (how tall are you, btw? i'm 5'4''.)

you are still beautiful, never forget that.

they don't understand, and they probably never will. people who have never heard the voice and the desires of ana or mia or any ED for that matter cannot understand the pain and what it truly means. i started out innocent for me, and i can't let it go.

try not to feel so defeated. you can do this. you can always make it through to another day, and can only hope for the best. you can make your day as good or as bad as you want to.

good luck.

stay safe and stay strong, angel.
Reply BrownEyes
12:53 PM on February 06, 2010
I am sorry but they are right you are still thin and gorgeous. Don't give up, your not defeated. If you need to talk, I am more then willing.

Best of Luck
Reply Lil
01:03 PM on February 06, 2010
Babes *hugs* lol it ended up making me cry , i cant imagin being forced to eat. Makes me feel like screaming/crying at the same time.
Gd ur finaly out though , atleast watching isant forceing. Hope things get better for you soon
Lil xxx

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