PrettyThin

You look up at her eyes full of tears, heart breaking.

She does'nt see it, you can tell.

It's there in her eyes as she looks at you and says, "You're lying."

At that moment you feel as though you have failed.

And you have.

You've failed her.

You didn't speak up when you saw the number on the scale reduce rapidly.

You told her you'd help, but you never did.

You made a promise, to her friend Samantha to keep her alive healthy...

You broke your promise.

Now she sits on a gurney tubes and monitors straped to her.

Needles in her slender arms, she hates needles you think as you stare at where the metal enters her flesh.

She would be screaming yelling to get the damn thing out of her if she could, but she can't.

She can only lie there limp, pale, ghostly, lifeless.

That's what she is: a living dead girl.

Not quite dead but not really alive either.

She dancing on the wire and she's about to fall.

She's going to fall and she will not survive, her weak body well passed fighting.

Now she's just sinking.

And you know as does everyone else in the universe that it's your fault'

You are the one to blame.

You think If only I had...

But the truth is you didn't.

You didn't make sure she knew she was the most beautiful girl in your eyes.

You didn't tell her how much it hurt to see her wither away to nothingness.

You didn't grab her hand and pull her out of the sea she was drowning in and tell her everything was gona be okay because she was safe now.

She isn't safe now you let her drown.

You know it and everyone else does too.

No one will admit it, they'll tell you you couldn't do anything that she was sick.

But you know they don't truly understand how close you were.

They don't realize that now that she is gone, even though you have people that care about you, you have no one.

She cared the most.

She would hold your hand when you couldn't face the world alone.

She dried your tears when you cried.

She was there when you needed her.

She listened when you needed to talk.

She loved you when you felt the world was out to get you and hated you.

She was there.

You were not.

Now look what you've done.

Now the only person that has ever let you be yourself is fading away.

The only person you were good enough for is dying.

And it's all your fault.

You saw the way she looked at her own reflection.

You saw the way she flinched when someone called her beautiful.

You saw.

You saw.

You heard.

You heard.

You watched.

You watched.

You knew.

You knew.

You didn't do one goddamn thing.

" I'm sorry."You say as the tears fall.

But you know you're too late.

And you aslo know that this amazing creature would look up at you if she could and say

'I forgive you.'

But she can't because you were too late.

You didn't save her.

Now she is 67lbs and dying of mal nutrition.

She is anorexic.

She is still and always will be the most gorgeous girl, even though she's nothing but frail fragile brittle bones.

"Hi," she says as she wakes up.

You know that she will be asleep within a few moments, her tiny self too feeble and weak to stay awake.

"Hi." You say through the sobs that are now exploding in your chest.

She smiles as she closes her eyes and drifts back into her near comatose state.

You fall asleep in the chair next to her hospital bed, holding her boney hand in yours.

When you wake up you realize something is wrong...

She is lying too still.

She is too pale her lips a blueish color.

Then it hits you.

Gone.

She's gone.

Forever.

No turning back no more appologies heard.

No more nights staying up till 6:00am laughing and joking about guys and life.

No more seven page long notes passed back and forth in class.

No more walks in the rain.

No more texts to fill up your inbox at least 12 times a day.

No more tight hugs shared in the middle of the hall way after an extremly bad day.

No more tears shed over meaningless arguments.

No more telling each other about the terrible judgements whispered about them in the locker room.

No more watching terribly romantic movies and joking about how sapy they were.

No more braclets made out of yarn.

No more mosh pits at concerts.

No more inside jokes that have you both rolling on the floor laughing.

No more awkward moments.

No more crying in the dressing rooms of department stores.

No more ranting about how much you hate each others mothers.

No more wrestling with Kelsey's little brother.

No more blasting Hollywood Undead at 4:00am.

No more Christmas Dance drop out lists.

No more 'playing Santa' and buying gifts that you know she will love and tell you you spent too much on.

No more heated debates on which brand of chocolate is better.

No more crying over the guy that rescently broke one of your hearts.

No more crazy dares that niether of you would ever do unless it was one of you daring.

No more listening to her sing along to songs, the really bad ones and some how making them sound beautiful with her shaky imperfect alto voice.

No more her.

No more you.

She's dead.

Your best friend is dead.

And I can no longer find my voice to say I'm sorry.

So I'll write it down.

I'm sorry Kelsey for everything.

I'm sorry that when I let you go you turned around and pushed me off the cliff not even bothering to reach for my gnarled boney lifless anorexic hand.

 Love,

Rachael