PrettyThin

i hate myself; everything about myself. i hate my face, my body, my personality, my everything. i hate how i can never keep control and i always end up eating. i hate food. i hate how much of a burden i am to my parents.  i hate that i cant open up to people. i hate that no one has bothered to ask. i hate passing by a mirror and hating everything i see, wishing it would all disappear and take me with it. i hate that i cant remember the time where i didn't hate myself- i'm sure there was one. i hate my thighs. i hate waking up in the morning and seeing then squashed down on the mattress- fat fat fat. i hate my mood swings. i hate my paranoia. i hate being so far from people yet wanting to be farther more and more. i hate how i'm so disrespectful and distant from my parents. i hate that i don't belong here because i don't. and my own self-loathing is getting to a point where its driving me absolutely mad.

i hate how they're so happy and i have to be miserable because ive forgotten how to be happy.

i'm always saying "I'm going to change, reinvent myself" but then never doing it.

i hate going so long without food then bingeing and reversing every forward step. 

i hate feeling alone and knowing that he's found someone else. 

on monday i'm going to try to fast for a five full days. if i eat, the count starts over until i get there. five days. i want to go a week without bingeing. 

a part of me doesn't want to eat at all ever again.

most of me wants to dissappear into nothing. 

i don't have a future. i don't want to be here.

i want to die. 

i want my body to eat itself alive until i'm dead dead dead.

i want to take the long way out

because i'm living in a body that doesn't deserve to be nourished.