PrettyThin

Growing up thin is not easy; "You need to get some meat on those bones!" "I just want to feed you!" "Look how tiny she is." And the ever present pressure from my mom, "You are perfect just the way you are." "You don?t want to end up like me, stay just like you are." "I weighed ninety five when I graduated high school."

To a ten year old mind growing up with all these mixed messages, I tried to find a safe place to fall.

"One hundred is all I will ever be."

Not really understanding what one hundred pounds was.

Drawing near to that number my eighth grade year, I became a vegetarian to restrict what I ate and starting focusing on my appearance. I thought that if I could stay skinny then people would accept me. This led me down a long road of slips and falls, struggling to not break 100. In the back of my mind, I never felt good enough. Compared to the models and the girls in the media, I was not good enough. I could not even compare to that beauty.

I inspired myself to lose weight, set unhealthy goals for myself and I remained under weight. I fit into the statistics of those who suffer from anorexia, yet I never saw myself as having an eating disorder. Through people trying to help me, counseling and many self help books, I never thought I could experience freedom from life inside my thin cage. Sure, I broke the rules and yeah, I gained some weight here and there, but it always haunted the back of my mind: I was desperate to be valued.

It was never all about beauty. It was about acceptance and worth and self approval that led me to be ninety five pounds at age nineteen and still wanting to lose five more. It was all those things that caused me to starve and obsess and fear. My senior year in high school was a pivotal moment because I have a choice to either break my last rule or not. In this time of my life I was really aiming towards recovery, but not based on my own desires. I was doing it for everyone else, being someone I really was not. Weighing ninety-seven when I walked across that stage, it would be a lie to say that I felt so free.

Throughout the summer after graduation, I spent a lot of time trying to eat healthy and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I moved into a friend's house and gained a lot of accountability and received advice from doctors and dietitians who helped me to gain a healthier perspective on my appearance and on eating. Overcoming it all was never easy and I still never felt free. I still was not in it for myself, until now.

Now, I am daily pursing recovery. I have refocused my life and goals and have found so much freedom from my eating disorder. Even in the midst of my struggle, I have a support group that helps me endure. I am away at an internship program that allows me to balance work out, healthy diet, relationship building, academics, reaching out to people, and ultimate growth, maturity and healing. In this program, I am challenged to sacrifice my flesh and to fully recover. It has been an amazing battle that I have grown to love. I am free by choice; I could choose to fall back into anorexia, but I am constantly reminding myself for why I am doing this. I am doing it for myself and for all of you who know what it is like to lay down your life for appearance.

May you all find freedom from your cages; I have hope that I will become so free that could not even go back if I tried, and that I will reach out and bring you with me. From life with an eating disorder, to recovery, to freedom.