August 31, 2012 at 11:03 AM #24709
I’m really struggling today.
I’ve been in recovery for about two years now and ive managed to maintain my health really well by exercising and eating mostly ok and it woked really well.
But recently my weight has started to creep up a bit, or i think it has, either way it makes no difference, i feel fat.
Yesterday i ate loads, and thats not me being anorexic, i ate loads. i felt out of control and unable to stop myself from eating. i felt discusting. i now i have it in my head that i want to reduce my weight again.
Ive felt this way a few times before but what has kept my going is my love of running and how proud i am of myself for being able to run half marathons. I know that if i allow myself to restrict then i will have no energy to run and i will lose my fitness.
BUT, i have been so busy lately i have not been able to run so much and my motivation is slacky, so it is meaning less to me.
So last night i decided that today i was going to starve. and so far i have. but now i feel sick and hungry and i forgot how hard these feelings are at first. and i feel so sad because part of me feels fat and disgusting but then i look at myself in the mirror and i don’t look too bad and i think that i need to just push these feelings away.
Today is the first day i have been tormented as to which path to take for a long time.
I know i need to block out my bad thoughts but i just want to let them take over cause i remember how good it feels to be small and empty.
is too hard and its making me sad. i’m so annoyed at myself for allowing my weight to creep up and for reducing my running.
Maybe if i make myself run tomorrow i will feel better about myself.
but i’m not sure if i can make myself eat without feeling shit and gulity today.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRAugust 31, 2012 at 7:27 PM #24878
I understand fully what you are dealing with. I didnt think I was to small r not healthy but my family did and then my body freaked out a little (long story) so I decided to eat. I gained like 30 lbs and I hate it. I feel so fat and I cant fit in my clothes. i look in the mirror and think you dont look that bad,why are you doing this to yourself and then my head just tells me daily dont eat that you might gain. dont eat that you might not lose weight tomorrow etc.
Its a daily battle. I starve,I binge. I think oh I made it a week no binges an dthen I chew an dspit an dthen next day cave and binge.. ugh! I hate food I wish i didnt want it so much and wish I didnt need it.September 1, 2012 at 3:12 AM #25037
I am on the edge right now of a relapse although not sure how recovered I’ve ever been. Have a deep fear of 3 digit number on scale and while ive hovered just under I’m dipping farther away. My life is so crazy I just want to feel good, and losing makes me feel good but I know its a temporary high and I’ll never lose enough to be happy.September 1, 2012 at 8:38 AM #25144
Well this is he thing isn’t it. i did restrict yesterday, i managed a very small snack. and then i woke up this morning and i don’t have that ‘high’. the “YES!!! i didn’t eat yesterday” high. i just feel blue, really really blue, cause i want it to be two weeks from now, when i have managed to restrict for all that time and i can feel the difference. but then i think AARRGGHHH!!! what are you doing you dickhead!!! just f’ckin eat something!! but i don’t want to.
i haven’t felt like that in a long time. usually i want to eat, i enjoy eating, but my mind has had a complete flip. i looked in the fridge just now and was confused and inbetween feeling disgusted at seeing the food and then sad cause i knew i wasn’t gonna eat it.
last night i sat and accepted that i have relapsed cause if i give up now i will hate myself.
i don’t want that life again. i want to be able to stay healthy and like myself that way.
i wish i could get some therapy to sort this out, maybe i will go to the doctors, the waiting lists are just so damn long!!!
although, i did get a call this week to tell me i have finally, after a year of waiting, got an appointment for the skin camouflage clinic, to hide my self harm scars.
oooo!!! i just did a a little smile
i hope my smile is infectiousSeptember 8, 2012 at 10:09 AM #28605
Hey, I understand what ur saying and im in the same position, I was torn for a year so kept sliding between the two, and now im going down the relapse path.. I hate myself for it and im talking to someone again to try and get back on track. You know u dont want to relapse, to go back on all the hard work you put it.. its not worth it and we both know that. I think you need to try and show ur strong and determined side and shut the voice out, because although hard initially, it IS worth it.
do a list of the pros and cons of relapse.. a truthful list. How did u feel when consumed by ana and how did u feel when you ran ur half marathon, when u dipped ur toe in the water of having your life back again.
I say you speak to someone u trust, dont leave the situation to resolve itself.
If you cant think of anyone to speak to BEAT is amazing and I mean that from experience, they run all kinds of online chat sessions, 1 to 1, talk to ambassadors, group chats or you can always ring them.
let me know how you get on
take care gorgeous xxSeptember 8, 2012 at 11:22 AM #28614
Yes maintaining is sometimes hard. When I slip one way or another I TRY to not paninc, not compensate, just go back to the normal ways. If you have been maintaining for 2 years, eating to much one days doesn’t matter at all as long as you go back to the normal ways. One day of overeating, if we keep from compensation, is not as bad -= triggering as undereating. For me that is true anyway
Normal people (haha what does that really mean today in a society suffering from ED, mostely overeating) overeat some days so they can hardely move. Nothing happens as long as they do it only once and again
Stay safe <3September 15, 2012 at 2:34 AM #31748
I’ve technically been in recovery for three years now, but even with tons of outpatient therapy my heart has never been all the way in it. It’s so hard because every time I feel empowered enough to make a decision that supports recovery (as in, “i’m going to eat this one cookie because i deserve it and that will be that”), my e.d. voice tells me i’m just making excuses for breaking “the rules.” and then it becomes so much easier to just give in.
plus, i’ve spent much of my life so far (most of my childhood and all my teen years) being overweight and unhappy with myself. i just want to be skinny now. i don’t want my eating disorder back with all the hell it brought me but i just can’t bear to be overweight or even average right now. something inside me snapped recently, and however it happens, i am devoted to being thin.
and now that i’m away from my therapist i’m slipping… i’m almost completely cutting out carbs, not eating meat, and generally eating very little. i don’t want my eating disorder back full-force because it was right after i got out of the hospital for restricting (NOS/sub-clinical anorexia) that I just started eating and eating and got to my all-time high weight (BMI 28). So I’m worried about relapse not because it will be hell and i may even have to go resi this time and deal with medical leave and fall behind with my coursework, but because i’ll gain weight after. it’s so fucked up.
i don’t want my e.d. back full-force, but i also can’t recover because i need to know what it’s like to be really thin. and i can’t stay like this because i’m either going to plateau and go totally stagnant or plunge back into restricting. (which i already kind of have.)
PLEASE help. my kik is modelbones. talk to me. i need advice.September 15, 2012 at 11:12 AM #31891
Oh God, I know how you feel.
My current disorder is a relapse, and I remember how I felt when it first started. Right now you just have to keep strong and work hard to maintain your recovery. I wish I wasn’t here.
Just remember how hard it was to get into recovery, and think: “do I really want to go through that again?”
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