PrettyThin

My Eating Disorder started when I was 12 years old. I had always eaten whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and was a very skinny girl. People often told me that I was too skinny. I was very active at that age as I had always been. I would roller-blade for hours every day. In the summer I would do nothing but swim.I just loved to do these things, it had nothing to do with weight and weight had never been a concern of mine. But when I started to become a woman, my mother (who was herself Bulimic and was Anorexic as a teen, though I did not find out until years later) started insisting that the way I ate was going to catch up with me.She commented on my body all of the time,comparing herself to me. She would also comment on my sister's body (who was a year older than me) all the time as well. And when my sister started to gain weight around this time, as a result of developing a drinking habit as well as bad eating habits she had picked up from her boyfriend, I became convinced that my mother was right.That what was happening to my sister was going to happen to me, as I didn't realize at the time what was really causing my sister to gain weight. So I started to worry. And I started to diet. The more I dieted,the more weight I gained. And the more dangerous my dieting became. I didn't understand at the time that it was the dieting itself that was causing the weight gain, as I was unknowingly slowing down my metabolism by restricting my food intake. I also started to binge eat for the first time in my life as a result of the hunger and the guilt. I soon started starving myself completely. Sometimes I would go a week strait, not eating one single bite of food.

I was a troubled girl in general as a result of a very traumatic upbringing, so I had a a tendency towards self-destructive behavior. Having been sexually abused, mentally abused, sometimes physically abused. And without a good example from even one single source, I learned to hate myself. I had no idea whatsoever how to love myself. I got the idea in my head that I wanted to be Anorexic. I saw a movie where the character was Anorexic and I decided I wanted to be like her. I did not realize it at the time,but it was a manifestation of the pain and abuse that I suffered every day. My mother usually only screamed at me when communicating, she was always so angry. Telling me everyday how useless I was. How lazy. How worthless. But what even I didn't comprehend at the time was how deeply depressed I was. It was a result of the things that surrounded me. The drug dealer that rented the room next to mine. The drug addicts and criminals that spent all day and night at our house.Luring me into the only world I knew existed. Invading my skin at times, even though I was only a child. Turning me so cold from the memories of there unwelcome touch that eventually I could not even allow someone to hug me.And the rage that my mother and sister directed at me, that taught me to feel it for myself. These were all things that added up to me turning to an Eating Disorder. The physical pain,similar to the habit of cutting that I developed as well was a distraction from what I felt inside.And a punishment for what others had done to me. I was too young to understand that I was only a helpless victim of men who knew what they were doing,who new that I was easy prey. I blamed myself for what they did. I hated myself for what they did. Looking back, I am saddened at the thought that no one told me, that no one cared. That no one protected me. That I really thought these things were my fault. Looking at girls who are going through the same things I have, all I can think about is who let this happen to them. Who left them alone and didn't protect them. Who let them think that such things were their own fault. They are only children.

So I of course could only go so long not eating a single bit of food. And as time passed I went from simple disordered eating, doing things like eating for a week, and then out of extreme gilt restrict myself to eating nothing but apples, or nothing but bread. When I reached 16 and was living on my own wile going to high school. I developed an unhealthy why to stay skinny that was unknown to me, still Anorexia. I would eat a few bites of food before bed just so that I could sleep, otherwise the pain was too unbearable. I would eat a salad at lunch so that I could make it through my cheerleading practice. And as punishment for eating, I would exercise for an average of three hours a day after school. I had developed what they refer to as exercise Bulimia. While I sat in school I started to notice my vision growing blurry,I soon needed glasses as a result of my malnutrition. I became anemic.I soon dropped out of school.And then my symptoms began to get very scary. My heart started to skip beats, but not just a couple. It was like fluttering, puttering-and so bad it became that I could not sleep anymore. Every time I tried to sleep it would get so bad that I new if I didn't start to eat properly,it was only a matter of time before my heart was going to stop completely.

I still continued for years with strange habits, eating very small portions never meals, and often still doing things like eating nothing but apples wile exercising obsessively. It wasn't until my twenties that I had finally healed enough from my past trauma's to actually stop wanting to self-destruct. Developing my singing and song-writing as a way to cope and express myself also helped. Having the hope that it would one day lead to a better life helped as well. When I read the book "French Woman Don't Get Fat"  I finally stopped my disordered eating habit's, and stopped with my obsessive exercise habit's. The book taught me, how French woman have always remained effortlessly thin. They allow themselves to eat absolutely everything they desire, but they spend so much time focusing on the flavor and pleasure of eating that they never feel deprived,always satisfied, and because they eat that way, they do not desire large portions of the treats they eat. They also spend a lot of time preparing meals of fresh healthy fruits and veggies which is the basis of their diet. They also do not put everything on one plate,they eat their meals in courses, in order to fully enjoy their meal,one thing at a time. Another very important habit I learned was how they exercised. They did not spend hours in the gym, torturing themselves and making exercise unpleasant, they simply go for one or two strolls throughout the day,and they enjoy it. So as I started eating more,and exercising less, my metabolism started to correct itself, and never feeling guilty for eating as I learned to enjoy food, I no longer felt the need to binge, and the weight just started to fall off. I very recently went from being a vegetarian to a full Vegan after watching the Documentary "Earthlings". Since doing so, I have effortless dropped another 16 pounds just be removing all animal products from my life. And for me personally I am not removing anything I want from my diet, because after seeing what happens to milking cows who I foolishly though were being treated humanly, and the innocent little chickens who produce the eggs that people eat, I truly have no desire to eat anything that comes from them, because I no longer imagine pleasure when I think of those foods,I think of suffering. The life of torture and suffering that each one of those helpless creatures lives through every moment of their lives. I also eat healthier than ever now, as a result of becoming Vegan, and I am no longer a woman with an Eating Disorder. I still have problems as I have had a lot to overcome, but with a safe and Loving home that I have never really had until very recently,bit by bit I grow stronger and wiser. I hope that sharing my story has helped some of you to feel less alone and maybe gain some perspective. I send you all my Love.