PrettyThin
The worlds largest eating disorder community and forum
Fighting Preconceptions
I have never been thin.
I was always the tubby kid in school, as a baby I was always chubby and throughout my teens I was a little overweight and constantly told I would lose it, it was just 'puppy fat'. I was never clinically obese, or ACTUALLY huge, but I would see a whale when I saw my reflection. I resented swimming classes, having to wear that God-awful swimsuit and inflict myself on everyone's eyes. At night, in my room, I would self-harm to supress my desire to eat, to remind myself I was eyesore. The scars felt like an improvement.
As a young girl, I quickly came to associate food with a means to an end. My mom would shower me with sweets for behaving well, or even to just shut me up if I was making a fuss. I developed an addiction to junk. I quickly gained extra weight. My dad, a raving alcoholic with manic depression, would use this if he had a 'bad day'. I quickly learned that my father thought I was ugly, fat, a pig, unwanted. That was to stay with me. Even now, I can't believe that I am attractive when told so. The kids at school would riff on me for being fat and ugly, for my entire school life.
What no-one ever knew, what I wouldn't share, is that despite my size, I was desperate to lose weight. Even now, at the age of 24, 10 years after I got serious with my problem, I am still a slave to my illness.
I suffer with Body dysmorphia disorder. Through my teens, I would binge, vomit, starve and compulsively exercise. Desperately trying to lose weight, to stop being the 'fat kid'. Somehow, I ended up in the fashion industry, and am a successful hairstylist. I am surrounded by tall, slim, gorgeous men and women. For all my efforts, I am still the largest member of staff in my salon, as a UK size 12. I hate my reflection in every mirror.
My family, my friends, my co-workers; none of them know I feel this way. They don't know that I go for 4 or 5 days at a time without food. They don't know that my 'detox' is just a cover for me, so I can eat barely anything besides raw fruit and veg and get away with it unquestioned. They have no idea that if I am put in a position to eat junk food, I will go and purge the second I can get myself away from their eyes.
This community makes me feel like I am not alone. I don't feel like I have an eating disorder. I think I am too fat for that. I will never be 'thin'.
If there is anyone here, anyone at all, going through the same thing, who wants to hear my experiences, if I can help just even one person, I will do it. Not everyone with an eating disorder is thin.''
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