PrettyThin

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So i am 5'6 and weigh about 164. i feel sooooo big. I am leaving for spain in about 3 weeks and i want to lose as much weight as possible. I love your site so i wanted your advice. I want to become as thin as possible. Can you help me????

As 20 years old, I do not want to live my life like this anymore that is why I am here today.
Growing up in a stressful environment wasn’t easy as a child, I was always scared and still am of making people angry or just ‘doing something wrong’ as I was always criticized for doing so, for any little thing, I still am today still patted on the head by my dad for being good, he’s such an idiot. My dad is a an easily stressed guy who works long hours and as a child I never saw much of him because of this, he never called me his ‘little girl’, never hugged me lots or praised me, he was always seen as the ‘grumpy guy who lived in our house’ and occasionally came down to dinner or to watch telly. I remember a lot of afternoons of creeping about the house on edge when dad had his nap, if I heard a creak from above I knew I was going to get a serious telling off. This kind of environment put me on edge and made me fear my father for a long time; he wasn’t the sort of man I would go to with a problem or worry that was for mum only.

My mum used to be my world. At primary school I did not fit in, that’s it. I was small, chubby with a stupid boyish, what I call ‘pumpkin head haircut’, a patch over one eye to cure my ‘squint’, stupid huge glasses, and Gorky teeth. I was also not as slim and pretty as most girls and because of this I was perceived as ‘not a girly girl’ but someone to be avoided. As well as this my brother wondered round the playground whispering, giggling to himself occasionally fiddling with his hands or doing something ‘not normal’, this was later diagnosed as Aspergers Syndrome, a type of autism, but at the time I’m sure you can understand I didn’t know anything else, except that he was my weird brother and I couldn’t control his behaviour no matter how I told him off or pushed him out of frustration. I was ignored by my peers probably because of this, scared of what my brother was like and just ignorant to the fact that I couldn’t explain what this was or why, this made me very distant and anti-social as a child, like a shield to protect me from bad mouthing and taunts I kept myself to myself and secretly hating my brother and everyone else.

I’m sure my mum could recall the many days I would return from school teary eyed or angry at this prospect of being forced in my situation at school I wanted out of, but scared of the inevitable ‘no’, so I never asked and my mum didn’t consider it, why this I’ll never know but that just boosted my frustration and built up anger and pain which always lead to and another argument and another cry where I would then apologise and have to ‘forget it’ and say ‘everything’s alright’ to reassure her, until the next morning for school where I would always wait until the last minute to get up, I don’t remember a day of wanting or looking forward to school only a pain of worry stuck in my stomach, I remember a lot of days feeling like this, which has become pretty normal to me. It seems pretty obvious to me now, that I was seriously depressed at this time but mum treated it as ‘a hyper, grumpy girl who is badly behaved’ so I never questioned it, except accept that I was a bad girl.
Secondary school came and went, was also bullied but not as traumatic, but still painful and even now school fills me with dread instead of the happy memories so many leave with, once again singling me out, By this time I had moved due to dads job and was settling in to a new school and had friends which I had never had, and was still adjusting to, I’m still friends with some of the today.

Years ago-on until I reach the age of 17 and sexual awaking, I was not in my mind EVER going to have a boyfriend let alone have sex, so this was put aside until my first love. Tall skinny, cool and modern, a student of fashion and design and everything I craved.  We began dating and soon became boyfriend and girlfriend. By this stage I was very aware that he was thinner than me and in my eyes that couldn’t be. Slowly I began bringing my lunch down to two banana’s, breakfast was always small bowl of whatever cereal, cornflakes mostly, less fat and calories, just enough to burn on the walk to school which was 20mins, which burned all but left 2 calories of my breakfast left for the morning, then walking round school, never had much enthusiasm for many lessons but the walk round school meant more calories burnt, and I loved going up stairs because I would really tense my bum to burn more calories than normal, as well as my legs.
Then, home, where the exhaustion of lack of food made me crave my dinner which was again a small bowl of cereal, much inspired by the special k diet, where 1 meal was replaced by a bowl but I wanted to burn more so more extreme measures where in order, Then just before bed I would plug my iPod in and go for a 1hour fast paced walk up the huge hill which was a couple of miles long near my house to burn more.  I always zoned out, and loved this because of it. I was proud of my routine because I was in control, I was making a ‘better me’ and a better girlfriend.
After a few months of fast and huge weight loss, I had something to look forward to, my holiday in France, not for the food, sun or sights, but for the fact that it had a swimming pool and meant regular  hard exercise. Every day was the same, 1 hour swim after EVERY meal, to my mum’s concern she had been questioning my late nite walking and small meals, warning me of getting too thin, and it was on this holiday that she commented on my weight loss, my sister also wouldn’t hug me because of my bony arms, which I was strangely proud of and loved, which I saw as jealousy, and kept on unaware of how ill I really was.
I then came home thinner but not happier  and soon after this I broke up with my boyfriend before he left to go to uni due to ‘long distance not working’, I then resorted back to normal eating an stopped my evening walking due to depression and normality I slowly put on weight and got, in my eyes as fat. I had also started a BTEC in Performing Arts which again meant rigorous exercise and stress for a career I didn’t have the confidence or stamina for. I didn’t blend well with my group, which were fast paced, fake and very body conscience , I would miss many days 3 weeks in total, over two years where depression took hold and stress, which led to confrontation questioning my career and what I wanted in life. A year goes by and the body hang ups never leave, soon after I join I become aware that  I am gaining weight, due to normality but seen at the time as, ‘FAT and depressed’ which I was, because I had no boyfriend no real social life inky mind, home life was crap and everything tagged to it. Occasionally I would not eat for days and go swimming but it left me very distant and faint, which I remember clearly from 1 year ago.
My father had always had depression for many years and my mum had always held us together so when last year mum suffered a complete mental breakdown after a work incident I was her mum for a while, a few months at that, for a woman who’s mantra was always ‘it goes over my head and nothing bothers me’ I was not only surprised but internally shocked and devastated, was it my years of child trauma that caused this??? Was I the cause??? Did my eating disorder help encourage this breakdown? I remember days of holding mum while she sobbed like a small child in my arms, and constantly worried at her allegations of possibly divorcing my dad, wanting to die and hating herself and life. I honestly thought she would leave us and run away, but she never did, even the time she jumped in the car dressed only in her dressing gown and I met her halfway after walking down the hill, I was able to coax her home and put her to bed.
Until you have to be a mother for your own mother you’ll never understand the pain, worry and anguish attached to it, even now after leaving for unit, I still worry about her and my father, but also my sister and brother who have become distant with the family and for this I blame my parents and myself, making things worse. All I can say is Thank god for boyfriends because he has got me through my mum’s depression, my current illness and even helped get me a place at bath spa unit when my parents couldn’t.  For that, I owe him a lot.
A year and a half before all this I then began the purging found it incredibly hard at first, joking that I was a ‘rubbish bulimic and couldn’t even do that properly’ then with perseverance I could vomit on a regular basis, as long as I had drunk large bottles of water, used a toothbrush, finishing with toilet cleaner and tissues I knew I was safe. However, mum confronted me and after my sister complaining about the loo’s state in time I became aware that they were too. So when my mum became depressed all my feelings went in and I purged instead of talking of my fragile feelings and emotions of that time, as well as trying to look good for my boyfriend who now I’ve come to realise would love me any body shape, but I still hate me and that’s the problem.
Soon after I joined bath spa unit, last September I felt energised and free from my parents but I soon lost track, fell behind and got depressed, I have such bad body image that I didn’t leave the house for a week after a gigantic binge and purging session, this carried on and on until I was taken home on my twentieth birthday which I assure you, I didn’t have much to celebrate that day. I now work but still struggle with daily life.
To this day I hate my body, see myself as a curvy/chubby girl even though imp  always told how beautiful and good looking I am I see that as a curse for what I hide underneath, that is so ugly I hate myself for it and very regularly binge on takeaways sometimes 2x a day purging all until my stomach is sore, even last week I gorged on McDonalds which consisted of 1 big Mac, two large fries, cheeseburger and chicken mayo, as well as a mcflurry in one sitting then after the first purge I then ate two packets of chocolate, 7 chocolate bars, 1 can of cream, 12 pots of chocolate dessert  as well as  a litre of water then purging it all
Then the worst happened, after I had been sick had FUCKING stupidly walked away and then forgot about the unflushed sick in the bowl. My flatmate found this and confronted me, she is aware that I am taking time out of university, nine months to continue this treatment and get better, and couldn’t believe how selfish I was to not tell her and lie that everything was fine.
It’s 5am on a Friday morning and I am at the crossroads. I want help but I don’t know how to help myself, I have a AMAZING boyfriend who loves me and knows why I am taking time out, he knows everything, but doesn’t understand and I CAN’T lose him, I want to have children one day but at this stage I don’t know if I’ll have a life to live.
I am ill, I have an eating disorder and that why I here, I am so proud that you are all here, even those who’ve never talked about this before, I know you can get better, it will only make things go forward by conveying your feelings, I want you all to know I want a life and intend to live it but we all need your help to. I have had an eating disorder for 3 years now and that’s enough, I’m done and I want out, and I want my life back.

My boyfriend keeps saying certain things and hinting to me that he wants me to loose weight and that i am fat, ive never thought i was fat before our realtionship started, he has an obsession with the " gap" at the top of girls legs which he says only skinny girls have ( i dont) so i am fat. i am 9 stone and my legs touch at the top. i have a slat stomach with 23 c boobs, i feel so miserable and fat. i want to starve myself or exercise until i am thin enough to have a gap at the top of my legs and thiner that any of the girls he knows.i dont know what to do !?

Long story short...I want to be thinner for guys, and social status..I want a weight loss bud...can you set me up

im 14yrs old soon 2 b 15 nd iv recently beendischarged from an inpatient treatment centre. im bk up 2 a 'healthy' weight nd im trying 2 loose it all bt i keep craking. lyk nt eating 4 a few days nd then binging..i didnt eat wednesday r thursday bt i =v eaten so much shit since friday...i really wanna loose it 4 the sumer 2 b reali underweight 2 b in ma bikini again! i need help nd a diet 2 help me loose it all bt nt binge..i cn handle eatin an apple a day nd wil b startin dat on monday agin..bt i need 2 kno wil it make me loose abot 2 and a half stone in about 14 r so weeks? thank u and the pictures on the wubsite are so beautiful i realy dnt kno why ppl cnt jst c it that way! xxxxx

First off i want to say your website is amazing and it helps me get through everyday knowing and having people who are like me and support me. Your website is the best by far.

Its weird when i was young before i was adopted i lived on the streets and was always hungry, so when i got adopted whenever i got food i would eat and eat and eat, until there was no room in my stomache and my body threw up the food that couldnt fit, i did this because i wasnt sure when i was gonna get food again. I lived my life planning how i was gonna get more food in me, and eating as much as i could.

When i first becane Ana (i didnt know i was then) i was normal weight but wanted to go on a diet, to slim down a little more, and then i just kept shedding pounds, until all i thought about was keeping the food out of me. It's ironic how things happen to you, i went from worried about getting food to not wanting it at all.  Which is Ironic don't you think? Food can be your enemy or your bestfriend it depends on how you look at it. sometimes i miss the stressfree days of not having to count calories or thinking about food cravings, but the mirros snaps me back to reality.

I'd also like to say how much I like this site - the girls (and guys) seem very well informed about the choices they make and are all so honest. To be honest, I was expecting the chatrooms and forums to be full of self-hating, self destructive, pitying people bitching about themselves and others (no offence - I blame the media >_>) .

But I was so pleasantly surprised! I felt so welcome. I don't feel any pressure at all to "turn" anorexic - I just feel encouraged to admire beauty in all its forms, from all different perspectives. It's so refreshing. It's helped me to look objectively at myself, rather than scathingly. The support I already have from no more than a day on this site is truly inspiring. So, thank you =]