PrettyThin

These are stories by members, about things that define them. These are stories of Ana. These are stories of a community - a family - seeking peace with a disorder that is anything but peaceful. This is pro-ana, not the way you know it, but the way we see it.

Username: Xenogenetic_Ally

I have a story to tell, and a question as well, if that's alright. To be totally honest, I'm unsure of how to word it...So if some of this email sounds "gibberish-y", please excuse me.

I am 22 years old, and I have had eating disorders and "disordered eating" for over a decade now...Almost a decade and a half, actually.

Though I have never been officially "diagnosed" with an ED, due to fear of psychiatrists/psychologists, labels, and especially the "treatments" - Ha!...Treatments...Psychs only focus on the symptoms, not the cause. Pop a pill to feel better and eat, sure... - I'm pretty sure my way of thinking and feeling about food and my body is far from "normal", and at the very least classed as "disordered eating" if not a full blown ED.

Anyway...My apologies for the tangent. I started purging to lose weight at 12 years old or so. I always felt extremely fat. I used to be a tiny little thing, underweight even, when I was born up until about 7/8 years old. During this time my doctors told my family to fatten me up...Fatten me up they did...I was given lots of junk and high fat foods - things like fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, buttered egg noodles, salami and cheese, full fat mayo sandwiches on white bread, chips and dip, ice cream - and naturally, these calories made me gain weight fast. However, once I reached a healthy weight, no one taught me to eat properly. So, I just kept gaining.

My biological father had weight problems (so did my biological mother, actually, and my older sister). His weight gain didn't help me, especially when he would take his self hate out on me. I was called fat, ugly, worthless, a failure...I began to believe it, and went on my first diet at 8 years old.

This diet was the Slim Fast diet - it's called Slim Fast, it has to help, right? Well, being so young, I was not aware that the shakes are meant to be in PLACE of meals. This made even more weight pile on.

I sort of just laid stagnant from that point on, hating myself for being so fat. When I was 12, the eating troubles came back with a vengeance. I needed to know how to stop this weight gain. I had to know how to get thin...Being thin would make me happier, I thought, since everyone likes the thin girls. (I should mention here that I was a social outcast since starting school due to a disability I have. Being overweight made it worse.)

I came up with the idea to purge by recounting my history...I used to make myself throw up when I was very young to get out of school (because of being friendless). So I began to make myself vomit to lose weight. It was horrible, so I saved it for "bad" occasions. These occasions were when I ate something I knew was unhealthy. Over the course of a few years, it progressed and became an obsession. I also started to starve myself intermittently as well...Which led to binging, then purging, then more starving...Over and over. By the time I was 16/17, this behavior had a hold on me. I remember restricting to the point of eating one yogurt a day (1/2 in the morning, 1/2 at night) and purging both times. I lost a lot of weight doing this, but i was very unhealthy. I don't recommend it to anyone.

Of course the weight eventually came back on when I reverted back to my "normal" (normal??) overeating habits...So I reverted back to ana/mia. This kept on cycling.

When I met my now fiance at 18 (almost 19), he helped me through a lot of my depression and other issues (such as SI - I used to be a cutter). Eventually, he and I tackled my EDs. I've lost a lot of weight without starvation and purging...

...But my ana/mia tendencies still remain. Though not as severe as they once were on my life, I still slip back into them. I rarely purge anymore, but the restricting is still ever present. It's not as severe as before (as I said), but I still usually eat less than 1000 calories a day on a "healthy" ("non ED" - lol yeah right) day. Even then, I internally freak out. Lately, my calorie counting and guilt has gotten extremely "in my face" again. As I type this, I've eaten a yogurt and a banana today...And that feels like a mountain. I want to lose the rest of my remaining weight. I want to be happy. I don't want to be labeled as sick for my restricting, and I want to find some healthy stability...By that I mean neutrality, I suppose. Some place where Ana and Mia aren't directly encouraged (as I don't like them), but where they're not treated like a plague that needs eradicated. I don't like Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia sites that say "you're so fat, here's how to not be fat", and I don't like the sites that say "OMG you have an eating disorder!? FREAK, don't you know what that'll DO to you?? Stop it and eat a sandwich!"...as if we don't know the pain of EDs...As if it's so simple to "just stop". I think "fat" and "thin" are in the eyes of the beholder, just like beauty. I don't seek to judge others...and I hope not to be judged myself.

I am 29 years old, and have been dealing with ED for almost 15 years.

After trying to starve myself, I discovered mia.  I did that from the time I was about 17-20.  I managed to never get caught and I kicked that habit on my own.

I was obsessed with food, but I was pretty much "normal"  for a long time. 

I went through a major tragedy (witnessed the death of my boyfriend in an accident almost 3 yrs ago).  Since then I started to really NOT be into food.  I never thought I would be just grossed out by food. 

I drink alcohol excessively.  I cut myself. 

I know in my mind that it's not true, but I can't escape the belief that there is no such thing as "too skinny."   I am not even very skinny.  I don't weigh myself.  I don't count calories.   One thing that I believe I do have is a (semi) realistic body image. 

I am not here to lose weight, although I welcome any weight loss.  I do not have a goal weight.  I just love the way not-eating makes me feel.   Light, adrenaline, running on empty.  Eating is a nuisance to me.  I love how quickly a drink hits me when I haven't eaten all day. 

I do make sure to eat something at least once a day- and it's usually junk food, whatever I can get into.  I get into these habits... like I will eat only mac n cheese for weeks, or cheese calzones, or something like that.  It's weird.  I think that, coupled with the amount of alcohol I drink, keeps me from getting much thinner. 

But, I love skin and bones.  I love my hip bones and collar bones and cheekbones and that little bone on my wrist that sticks out.  I love seeing the tendons in my neck.  And when I fit into my "anorexic" jeans it's a joy.  That only happens at the worst, most stressful points in my life. I am fitting into them now, and I love it.  Maybe because it's the one positive in a world I don't trust."

Thanks for having the balls to run this site, and the courage to come out and show who you are.  The thing that snapped me out of my bulimia almost ten years ago was when I started to talk about it- it was no longer my disgusting secret. 

Good luck to everyone, and remember to try to look outside of yourself, not to dwell within and spiral into negativity.  Easier said than done. 

Even though some of the things on this site may be triggering, and you may get worse before you get better, just talking and being open is the road to some level of sanity.  Stay alive.  Eat something every day.  Drink water.  Eat foods that are high in nutrients and low in calories (ha I should take my own advice).  Follow a healthy eating plan, even if it is restrictive.  Be realistic (i.e. diet soda DOES NOT help - I know from experience, and it actually saps your body of potassium which is the last thing you need if you are starving yourself- it messes with your heart even more). Many of the other "tricks" are total lies that will NOT help you in any way.

I wish for everyone here to find peace inside and out.  Love, Ma**** (Ontheline)

[The email started with the following introduction]
My real name is Ma*****, and I am a member of this site under the screen name "Ontheline".  I am a 29 year old female.

This goes a bit all over the place and I am sorry if it's hard to follow.  But my life with ED has been chaotic.

The first thing I'd like to say is regarding the hate mail: A website can encourage eating disorders, but cannot cause them.  It's a person's choice what he/she looks at.  I think the mission statement of your site is very clear, if people take the time to read it.

I am new to this site, but not new to ED.  I remember the "first wave"  of pro-ana/pro-mia sites.  At that point, I just looked at them with curiosity.  I was in my early twenties and was "cured" of bulimia and thought of myself as healthy.  I was doing yoga, etc. (P.S. I am a huge advocate of 420 as therapy for eating disorders... if you dont know, I'm not going to tell you what that means.  That, along with being open about my disease, is what helped get me out of a most likely fatal situation with bulimia.   I think it was mostly based in anxiety, and the calming effects of the drug helped wind me down so I stopped bingeing and purging like a maniac).

For some reason about a month ago I searched "pro-ana."  I didn't expect to find anything as I thought all these sites were banned or something. 

This was the first site that popped up.  I joined, again, out of interest, curiosity, and the need to talk to people who understand, and hopefully help some people who are following the path I have walked myself.

I was afraid it would trigger me.  It has and it hasn't.  It's hard to explain.  I almost WISH  it would trigger me, but I am not "there" anymore thank god.  I feel my mind was freed of the traps of ED long ago (or they are far less than when I was younger and a hardcore bulimic).  Now I obsess more over drugs and alcohol I suppose.

I still want to be thin, but I have been through a time when I could NOT EAT, and it was so weird, so opposite.  I had never WANTED to put on weight before.  Losing what little breasts I had sucked.  Having my family bug me about eating sucked, and it made me want to eat less, made me hate eating and made me anxious anytime I had to eat in front of people.  Which was weird at the age of 27.  I hadn't experienced that before, because I was bulimic and had always maintained a relatively normal weight. 

So to avoid any more redundancy, and to give a better timeline, I copied my story from my profile:
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Monday, March 8, 2010

My tattoo says "Life is about taking chances and never... regretting them"!

This is basically the only thing I live by, I'm a firm believer that things happen regardless of what a person tries to do... whether its good or bad! In my life I feel everything has happened for a reason and it's going to lead me where I need to be life no matter what, and just because a person might have chosen the wrong decision and is regretting it, that's what you wanted at the time and you decided to take that path for a reason!

I hear so many people complain that there life if horrible and that everything goes wrong and I used to think the same thing but then i would always realize it was my choice and only me why things are the way they are and only I can make the best out of the situation, or sit and bitch about it.

I have no clue where this quote came from I came up with it one day in my 8th grade English class, and now I'm a senior in college and it has always stuck with me... and any one who has come into my life and heard my belief has changed their own lives and began to believe that same thing, that life is about taking chances, and never regretting them...

 August 22, 2009